I wanna be a hamster when I grow up.

Everything must look so amazing to a hamster. Like, a single piece of Captain Crunch is a large, sugary meal.

You know what, I’m bored with the hamster thing already. Let’s talk about how awesome it would be to be able to live off of nothing but Captain Crunch.

So it’s not particularly expensive. Well . . . It depends on how much you eat in a day I guess. But it’s always on sale somewhere so with a little traveling you could easily do three boxes a day for under ten bucks. That’s under 300 dollars a month on food which ain’t too shabby.

Eating nothing but Captain Crunch will fill you up with essential sugar, which in turn will MAKE YOU SO POWERFUL! HOW POWERFUL!? HOW ABOUT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SUN!? And being able to move the sun around has many benefits. Don’t believe me? Check it:

– Moving the sun allows you to set the temperature anywhere in the universe to anything you want it to be. Who needs to live outside one’s comfort zone when your comfort zone includes entire galaxies?

– Something in the way? Simply use the sun to burn it.

– And talk about impressing the ladies/gentlemen, am I right? Nothing secures a second date like tipping the waiter with a piece of sun.

Secondarily, Captain Crunch has lots of fibre. I think. Too lazy to do the fact checking right now.