It was like having the Midas touch. Except instead of having everything I touch turn to gold everything I touched turned to squirrels. Thankfully this allowed me to eat unlike the previously mentioned curse, but man does eating raw squirrel get real old real fast.
It was something I discovered at work the other day. Not sure exactly how or when it happened but I was typing as usual and suddenly the keys began to turn into tiny squirrels and run away. It’s hard to type when your keys run into the desk drawers and the walls. I started to get up from my chair by firmly placing my hands on the arm rests which in turn made the chair transform into a giant squirrel. Angry squirrels are not comfortable seats and are more than capable of running through doors. As in the smash, bash and crash kind of running through doors.
Having so much destruction caused so quickly by my actions (As indirect as they may be.) caused me panic. I needed to get out of there before anyone knew I was involved and I had mere seconds to do something. So I knelt down and slammed my hands on the floor. The floor turned into squirrels and I feel though to the next floor down. I continued to do this for each floor. I had to be careful for the first couple floors but after that the squirrels started to cushion my fall although they made actually touching each consecutive floor more difficult. Eventually I made it to the ground floor and by this point everything was such a mess of destruction and squirrels that I managed to flee unnoticed. It didn’t appear that anybody else was hurt but I had no time to confirm that.
I made my way home while being extremely careful not to touch anything with my bare skin. Thankfully I had forgotten to lock my apartment door that morning. Admittedly I couldn’t help but pet a cat on the way home while nobody was looking just to watch it change from a cat to a squirrel by my hand. It was weird. Poor cat.
As I became hungry I knew I was in a dire situation. Other than the clothes I already had on I couldn’t touch anything without it running away, including gloves. Seeing a box of cereal I reach out to touch the box. It transforms and runs away. The bag does the same. Taking a deep sigh I quickly toss a piece of the loose cereal in my mouth.
It was the most terrible thing I had ever ate, both in taste and in emotion. But I needed to eat. So I continued until I had eaten just enough to take care of my hunger. Are these really animals with real lives that I’m eating? I had no way of knowing.
Unsure of where to go from here I went out to sit on my balcony. Taking great care not to touch anything with my bare skin I slumped down with my back against the building. My head fell back as I looked up at the tree branches above me and sighed the most defeated sign a person could produce.
A squirrel came down onto the balcony, resting within my reach. I started to wonder what would happen if I were to touch it. It’s already a squirrel, where could things possibly go from here? Would it become . . . Another squirrel? That wouldn’t even make sense. Not that any of this made sense to begin with.
Slowly I reached toward the squirrel. Thankfully it hadn’t noticed me. I gently poked it with my finger . . .
. . . AND THE SQUIRREL EXPLODED! I SCREAMED AS THE SITUATION CALLED FOR IT!
Then the tree exploded, followed by the other buildings, the balcony, the building I lived in, the ground . . . You get the idea. Finally I exploded. Painlessly thankfully.
Space is my home now, and squirrels are the only things I know. As my body is spread out throughout the universe I eventually black out from the pain. The last thing I saw was an asteroid breaking apart a squirrel.
I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains.
How did I miss these? 💋