Just once I’d love to see a corporate entity be openly disgusted with failing to meet their goal for a charity drive. Imagine going on a bus and seeing an ad for a fast food company with a picture of some sad children and something along the lines of: “Whelp, we only raised $5,000 for ________ last year. What a waste of time and effort.”

I was walking around downtown one day while wondering how to advance my career as a foot model. My problem is that I wasn’t getting anywhere near enough exposure. So I took my shoes and socks off. Problem solved.

Someday I will die a heroic death to save someone. As she holds me in her arms, I will tell her “If you see my wife, tell her that I love her,” to which she will reply “It’s me, I’m right here.” “How convenient,” I will say as I breathe my last.