I am a glass blower.

Let me tell you all about something that isn’t my daily job. I . . . I am a glass blower. But not in the way you may be accustomed to with the heat and the oh dog why am I on fire followed by the weeks in intensive care. No, no, no . . . I just find glass objects in the wild and blow on them.

Sometimes I like to find something that’s curved so that my breath will blow back into my face and I can close my eyes while pretending that I’m on a boat. Sometimes I just wanna feel the waves crash against the side of my boat, you know? Go on the seven seas looking for adventure and just find myself out in the open . . .

But enough of my infantile fantasies of being a pirate that I try to hide by omitting certain details like the robbing of cruise ships. Let’s get back to the glass blowing. Another thing that I like to do is find shards of glass from broken beer bottles and the like, crush them up in my hands and blow them out into a wind as they sparkle in the sunlight. This makes me think about how much I’d love to be some sort of magical being with the ability to blow magic dust on things to bring them to life and make them my friends.

I probably shouldn’t take this time to describe my secret desire to be a fairy though. Getting back on track here, I’ll often blow on glass buildings while I think about how it would be awesome to be able to have some sort of crazy powers that allow me to manipulate glass Magneto-style and . . .

Oh jeez, I can’t even get distracted from my job to talk about my fake job without being distracted from my fake job to talk about other fake jobs.

A good bee is one that pays your phone bill!