A change in the way I do things. Also, a Facebook cover picture for y’all!

Okey! So instead of forcing myself to write three times a week and producing stories that I’m not satisfied with, I’m going to begin writing only one story a week and then casually posting whatever bits of silliness whenever I feel like. Not sure when that day of the week will be yet, but in the meantime have a shiny Facebook cover photo! Click here or the image to get the correct size.

I assure you this blog is still going strong!

I just got hit by writer’s block. This is rather odd, for there are many people who would claim that I not a writer by any meaning of the word. Then again those same people also compare me to a monkey with a typewriter. I know they’re wrong because I’m clearly using a computer and I haven’t thrown my poop at anybody in years (Months?).

Noting that the block was larger than a doorframe and not being able to recall anything regarding writer’s block destroying someone’s home I simply went back inside.

Whelp, I’m glad I got that over with.

Still lacking an idea for a story I drank two doses of Neo-Citran and nodded off. That stuff can give you some pretty messed up dreams. Unfortunately that night I just dreamt about a lot of split pea soup. Geysers and oceans of split pea soup. Interesting and all, but where could I run with that idea?

The next morning I sat down at my computer with hot chocolate in hand. That’s when it hit me. Writer’s block is a thing that exists entirely in my own head. Whatever I ran into outside yesterday couldn’t have been writer’s block. It was probably another building or something to that effect.

After taking a drill to my skull and letting the obstructive thoughts out, I’m glad to say that it worked and I’m working on some stories as of this writing. It is my hope that this explanation will satisfy your curiosity as to the slower rate of updates as of late.

Until then, love yourself and the world will follow suit. ❤

***
Oh shit, it’s a picture of me sponsoring myself at a Tekken tournament!

“The Timbit war.” A story of violence and pseudo-erotica.

It appears that I have been challenged to some sort of Timbit battle. I’m not entirely sure what this entails but it sounds like it will require far more Timbits than I could possibly afford. Good thing I’ve planned for such an event my entire life.

After purchasing a single Timbit I made my way to a nearby field. I held the Timbit above my head in my right hand with a loose fist. Then brought my right elbow down to my waist as I crushed the Timbit while letting out a mighty yell. This would become the cause of many regrets.

A warm sensation overcame me as I began my transformation. It was tingly and exciting. It felt like the time that guy in the locker room at the gym told me that my shirt was nice and I told him I got it 30 percent off the other day only to have him follow up with “Why don’t you come over here so we can get it 100 percent off?”. As I admired his chis . . . Woah, where am I going with this!?

Anyway, so within seconds I became a trio of Timbits with a shape and size not unlike that of a traditional snowman. I hop up and pound down on the ground. Within a radius of several feet the ground develops into a Timbit-like substance. As I hop again the transformation spreads throughout the Earth at an exponential rate. Within mere hours the entire planet and everything on it is merely one giant Timbit with myself in control. For the record it’s totally a chocolate Timbit, screw the haters.

I steer the planet-sized treat into Mars to assimilate it and make the Timbit even larger. The Milky Way is my home now, and brand name donut holes are the only things I know. The last thing I felt before passing out from the sugar rush was elation that I had finally succeeded in my goal of becoming an asteroid of sorts.

I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains . . . 

Wait, you said we would be dueling with tidbits? I’m so sorry Dizzy, I read that e-mail kind of fast at work and misread it. 😦

Hey baby, is that a mirror in your pants? That’s kind of narcissistic isn’t it?‏

Have you ever done that thing where you go to pull a door handle but you miss with your hand and wind up stumbling backwards instead? It’s fun having to explain to other people in the bathroom that I’m not drunk.

I want to create an animal with the heart of a lion, the spirit of a lion, and the body of a lion . . . Come to think of it, I kind of want a pet lion I guess.

Beatnik is a word that I haven’t seen/heard in a long time. Maybe it’s due for a comeback?

So what are you all up to this weekend?

A partial list of things that I can realistically suplex: Part 2.

(Click here for Part 1)

– Yoga mats.

– A barbell with no weights on it.

– An intoxicated child.

– A paper mache statue created with printings of posts from this blog.

– A premade Halloween costume of the Queen.

– Art.

– Husks of corn.

– Very large life jackets, but not the people wearing them.

– Come to think of it, suplexing an inflatable raft sounds like it would be
pretty fun.

– A suitcase full of whatever it is that you cherish the most. I feel like most
people don’t cherish bricks or anything like that. If you cherish bricks more
than anything else you’re kind of weird. Call me. ❤

– Guitars. Especially if it’s a solo guitar during a solo performer’s solo. Not
to be confused with silos of any kind.

– That tower you spent the last couple of hours making with Legos? Oh ho ho ho
yessssssssssssssss.

– Trees. Well, small ones that aren’t really dug in that deep and haven’t taken
root yet. But it’s not as impressive when you point that out.

– Stop signs. Could you help me with taking them out of the ground first?

– A rolled up poster-sized drawing of the band Queen posing with the Queen.

Things to keep in mind while you vote tomorrow.

Many of you may be heading off to the polls tomorrow to cast a your vote for the American
Presidency. However with this responsibility comes a grave danger. How will you entertain
yourselves during those long lineups? Smartphones make this much easier to endure, but for
everyone else here’s a survival guide on how to stave off boredom during this crucial time:

First and foremost, don’t be afraid to try and fistbump as many people as possible (If
they’re willing of course.). Not only are the reactions generally amusing, but you could
even make a friend or two. This will help when your choice of president loses the election
and you need someone to talk to about how everything in your life/country is about to go to
hell.

Once that gets old, wait a couple minutes and then meow very, very gently. If nobody looks
around just wait another minute and try again. If somebody does look, look around as well. Try
to act just as confused as they are. If they accuse you deny it the best you can. This
should help kill a few minutes.

A ball in a cup never, never goes out of style. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen one of
those toy paddles with the ball attached in awhile either. But no yo-yos. You’re not in
high school.

When you’re near the front of the line, take out a coin and flip it. Regardless of which
side you catch it on mutter something along the lines of “Well, that wasn’t who I had in
mind but okay.” and then proceed to vote for who you were planning to vote for anyway.
Sometimes to be entertained you must become the entertainer.

Hopefully this makes the whole process much easier for you. Happy voting! ❤

This is a tribute to the best chef currently alive: Señor Arpakasso

I’m Señor Arpakasso,
And I’m bringing the stew.
Then you better settle down,
Because we’re having dessert too.

This dish goes out,
To all my fans and my folks.
You can’t top this treat,
I’m using 144 grams of egg yolks.

Don’t know who I am?
Just look at my little hat.
You’ll know that I’m serious,
Right off from the bat.

Making your mouth water,
Is my greatest desire.
You’re going to love it,
When I start to play with fire!

So come on over,
And have yourself a seat.
I’ll whip you up something
That simply can’t be beat!

A list of things animals are allowed to do that I am not allowed to do.

– As a friend of mine put it, ‘violent headbutt snuggles’.

– Greeting people by licking them.

– Eat my food without the use of my hands out of a dish that’s on the floor.

– Sleep for twenty hours a day without falling behind on bills and food.

– Scratch up the couch with my nails while only getting a stern ‘stop that’.

– Bark loudly all night and have it blamed on somebody else.

– Wake people up whenever I want any little thing, even if I just want somebody to scratch an itch.

– Leave my poop lying around in a box or throw it at people.

– Rolling around on the ground to look cute (especially outside).

– Be completely clueless about current events in the world and have everyone be okay with that.

Since it’s the season I have to wonder this out loud.

There’s something I never understood. Why do people seek entertainment in the horror genre? As someone who scares easily and has a hard time shaking that off, I can’t for the life of me understand why people go out of their way to instill fear in themselves. Especially when that fear is regarding things that can’t possibly exist like monsters and the like.

Somebody please help me out here, I’m genuinely curious.

(I’m recycling this picture because it’s kind of relevant.)