Just so you know, I’m totally going to die in the bathroom. Calling it now.

I’m going to start by saying it’s not going to be from slipping on the floor or something embarrassing like that. No. This will be a bathroom death for the ages. The kind that will be remembered in song long after this era is gone.

I’ll just be sitting there doing my thing while the ceiling begins to ooze high-fructose corn syrup. You think I’d be ready for what would happen next since I had an incident at work just last year that literally started the same way. But no, I still won’t see this coming. Even though I’m telling you about this now I still won’t see it coming. I guess my foresight isn’t 20/20 like hindsight. As the ooze takes an androgynous human form, it’ll invite me for another ride into the sky. I will refuse for I’m not entirely sure that it’s not trying to kill me.

Will I die in an epic battle? No, not quite. Life is rarely that exciting, and death even more rarely so.

Actually, you know what? No spoilers.

A fashionable bee drawn by Sophie. Thanks again!

A fashionable bee drawn by Sophie. Thanks again!

Are footbags one of the best things ever invented?

This morning on the bus to work I saw a construction worker playing with a hacky sack. He looked absolutely ridiculous. But then I thought about it for a bit:

This little bag of beads is easy to carry around, can relieve boredom during downtime, is used to play social games with others and provides a fair bit of exercise.

Maybe I should get one.

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Hacky Sack design copyright 2013 because I can open up Paint and totally copyright things if Facebook has taught me anything.

I know I’ve been sparse on the updates lately. It’s because of work!

I am a glass blower.

Let me tell you all about something that isn’t my daily job. I . . . I am a glass blower. But not in the way you may be accustomed to with the heat and the oh dog why am I on fire followed by the weeks in intensive care. No, no, no . . . I just find glass objects in the wild and blow on them.

Sometimes I like to find something that’s curved so that my breath will blow back into my face and I can close my eyes while pretending that I’m on a boat. Sometimes I just wanna feel the waves crash against the side of my boat, you know? Go on the seven seas looking for adventure and just find myself out in the open . . .

But enough of my infantile fantasies of being a pirate that I try to hide by omitting certain details like the robbing of cruise ships. Let’s get back to the glass blowing. Another thing that I like to do is find shards of glass from broken beer bottles and the like, crush them up in my hands and blow them out into a wind as they sparkle in the sunlight. This makes me think about how much I’d love to be some sort of magical being with the ability to blow magic dust on things to bring them to life and make them my friends.

I probably shouldn’t take this time to describe my secret desire to be a fairy though. Getting back on track here, I’ll often blow on glass buildings while I think about how it would be awesome to be able to have some sort of crazy powers that allow me to manipulate glass Magneto-style and . . .

Oh jeez, I can’t even get distracted from my job to talk about my fake job without being distracted from my fake job to talk about other fake jobs.

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A good bee is one that pays your phone bill!

 

A partial list of things that I can realistically suplex: Part 3.

(Click here for Part 2)

(Click here for Part 1)

– The mail.

– The mailman.

– A straw man, don’t even argue with me on this.

– A bag filled with your worthless Beanie Babies.

– A bag filled with bags.

– Lumber.

– Office chairs.

– This post if it was printed off and pinned to a small post.

– I could list a lot of things I could suplex if they’re in bags. Let’s just go with bags of stuff in general.

– Mythical creatures that turn into copies of anything I’ve listed in this three part series.

– You?

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I have an idea for my dream garden.

First I need a way to plant fingernails into the soil and grow a fingernail tree. Wait, come back! Please hear the rest of this before you reject my loan application!

So once the science of all of this is figured out I’ll have a garden of well-curated fingernail trees to share with the public. I’m hoping they’ll form in the shape of singular, 20+ feet fingernails. Admission will be free and I’ll let anybody have a nibble on ’em. It will be glorious. Not sure what I’ll do in the off-season though. flowpaper_1

‘Sup NSA?

So the list of keywords that the NSA is monitoring major social media sites for was released and can be found here. So the next logical step is to write a story involving as many of these words as possible which will be underlined. Turns out I’ve already hit one. Here we go!

A couple years ago I was at home on the computer when my roommate came in. With a wave he asked what I was up to. I told him I was drinking a Mudslide while playing a game and waiting for my pork to finish cooking with “Police Cops” by Myles Deck and the Fuzz on the record player. I lamented how earlier my drink had a leak and almost ruined my USB dock in an unfortunate incident. Thankfully that disaster was averted before I got an electric shock or something.

“So what game are you playing?”

“Well, it’s this new MMORPG that had a lot of delays to some malware and DDOS attacks, but I’m glad it’s finally out of the closed beta instead of being cancelled. Probably the first MMORPG I’ve played that wasn’t made by Blizzard.” He cocked an eyebrow. “So they had a number of breaches on their server? Are you sure you should be entrusting an info with a company that has such an cyber security problem regarding their infastructure?” I shrugged. “How can I turn down a game called ‘State of EmergencyDrug wars of the Mexicles Radicals‘? It takes place in some Metro area near the Mexico Border. Its version of the ‘Horde vs Alliance’ are the Law Enforcement Authorities and simply the ‘Gang‘. I rolled a Riot enforcer who started with some nice terror-inspiring SWAT gear.” “Neat! How’s the combat?” “Well, it’s all human-to-human so everyone looks kind of the same. It’s mostly balanced, but after a few shootouts using conventional weapons I feel like suicide bombers could use a nerf. They have a suicide attack that hits like a earthquake with all those explosions they always have. It causes so many deaths when used strategically.”

*Ding!*

“Oh hey, my swine is done! Anyway, as I was saying there’s this Agro Terror formation that my opponents were using . . . ” “Don’t you mean aggro?” “Did I say agro again? I’m a bit woozy. Anyhoo, there was just so much shooting that I can’t quite recall everything that happened during that gunfight, but before I knew it I was killed in like two minutes. It was frustrating. I like it overall. The violence is entertaining even if the plot is thin. So how was your day?”

My roommate sighed as he recounted his day. “I was at this restaurant for a meeting. I almost missed it due to the sleet and snow. Such extreme weather although you probably didn’t see it with your head in your monitor ha ha. Anyhoo I think I might have gotten food poisoning. Either that or I got some sort of infection. Or maybe I just have the flu. Hopefully that’s all it is, although it’s probably influenza or small pox somehow with my luck.” I laughed. “Or you’re bringing H1N1 back! Actually, apparently there’s a H5N1 now?” Rolling his eyes he continued on through my interruption. “Regardless, I’m sick, I failed to say anything smart during the meeting and on the way out I broke my watch on the doorframe.”

Needless to say I spent the rest of the evening making wild guesses at what virus he was carrying. I’m betting E.Coli myself.

d

Hey, look at those clouds!

 

Why aren’t pet squirrels more of a thing?

I imagine that having a pet squirrel would be amazing. Like, wouldn’t it be really ticklish and weird if they climbed all over you? And what if you could train them to grab you small things off the top shelf and stuff? That’d be fantastic.

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