I’m lost.

I question the existence of trees.

I often find myself wondering if trees really exist or not. I have often walked up to them and yelled right at them. I ask them “DO YOU EXIST OR NOT!?” They never answer . . .

I touch them to see if there are there. I can feel them, but can they feel me? Could I say that since they don’t think, therefore they aren’t?

Life’s hard when Google Maps is down.

 

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PEOPLE SAY I USE CAPS TOO MUCH. NO. THIS IS ME USING CAPS TOO MUCH.

ARE YOU NOT FEELING ENOUGH POWER LATELY? DO YOU FIND THAT EVEN IF YOU YELL THAT YOU’RE FREE NOW AND RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT YOU’RE STILL NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO EXPLODE AN ANGRY BULL INTO A SHOWER OF CONFETTI WITH A SINGLE POKE OF YOUR FINGER?

DON’T LISTEN TO THE OTHER ADS. THEY’RE ALL FAKES MADE BY COMEDY TROUPES DESIGNED TO GET SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET YOUTUBE MONEY. THESE SECRET EXERCISES THAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU WILL POWER YOU UP SO QUICKLY IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU JUST TOOK SOME SORT OF DRUG. BUT YOU DIDN’T! THIS IS NOT ONLY STREET LEGAL BUT ALSO LEGIT ENOUGH FOR THE STREETS HOMESLICE!

FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR PRIMARY HAND AND BALL IT UP INTO A FIST. THEN YOU TENSE UP THAT FUCKER AND YOU TENSE IT UP REAL GOOD UNTIL YOUR WHOLE ARM IS SHAKING. ONCE YOU FEEL THE POWER (I CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE BUT TRUST ME YOU WILL KNOW) THEN YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY INSIDE THE NEAREST BUILDING YOU DO NOT CARE FOR AND DESTROY ONE OF THE WALLS WITH A SINGLE PUNCH. JUST TO BE SURE GO AND PUNCH THE OTHER WALLS IN THE BUILDING, AND AS THE CEILING COLLAPSES ON YOU PUNCH UPWARDS TO DESTROY THAT TOO. OKAY, MAYBE THIS MAKES THE WHOLE THING A LITTLE LESS THAN STREET LEGAL BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE AM I RIGHT?

WHAT, YOU THINK THAT’S CRAZY? YOU SEE, I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE SEEING THAT YOU WERE CLEARLY BORN YESTERDAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THE GALL TO QUESTION ME CHILLLLLLLLLLDREN! THAT’S RIGHT, TIME TO CHANNEL SOME THREE DOG UP IN THIS INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE!

WITH YOUR NEWLY FOUND POWER YOU MAY FEEL THE URGE TO PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. DON’T. YOU NEED A HOME TO GO BACK TO EVENTUALLY. ALSO DESTROYING THE HOMES AND LIVES OF OTHERS IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE. YOU MUST USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD, AND YOU HAVE SUCH LITTLE TIME TO DO SO.

HAVING TROUBLE DETERMINING WHAT IS GOOD? I CANNOT ANSWER A QUESTION THAT MAN HAS STRUGGLED WITH SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. BUT I THINK FINAL FANTASY 6’S SABIN MAY HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING HERE SINCE GHOST TRAINS ARE KIND OF SCARY:

A REASONABLE SUGGESTION FROM A REASONABLE MAN.

HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP. IF NOT I WILL NEED TO INSTRUCT YOU IN PERSON. I MAY NEED HELP WITH TRANSPORTATION IF YOU LIVE REALLY FAR AWAY THOUGH AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.

surprise!

Things to keep in mind while you vote tomorrow.

Many of you may be heading off to the polls tomorrow to cast a your vote for the American
Presidency. However with this responsibility comes a grave danger. How will you entertain
yourselves during those long lineups? Smartphones make this much easier to endure, but for
everyone else here’s a survival guide on how to stave off boredom during this crucial time:

First and foremost, don’t be afraid to try and fistbump as many people as possible (If
they’re willing of course.). Not only are the reactions generally amusing, but you could
even make a friend or two. This will help when your choice of president loses the election
and you need someone to talk to about how everything in your life/country is about to go to
hell.

Once that gets old, wait a couple minutes and then meow very, very gently. If nobody looks
around just wait another minute and try again. If somebody does look, look around as well. Try
to act just as confused as they are. If they accuse you deny it the best you can. This
should help kill a few minutes.

A ball in a cup never, never goes out of style. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen one of
those toy paddles with the ball attached in awhile either. But no yo-yos. You’re not in
high school.

When you’re near the front of the line, take out a coin and flip it. Regardless of which
side you catch it on mutter something along the lines of “Well, that wasn’t who I had in
mind but okay.” and then proceed to vote for who you were planning to vote for anyway.
Sometimes to be entertained you must become the entertainer.

Hopefully this makes the whole process much easier for you. Happy voting! ❤