How to address the elephant in the room.

So you thought it would be funny to sneak a baby elephant into your friend’s basement and raise it there without the owner of the home knowing eh? Figured that would make a nice little ‘prank’ did you? Whelp, now you have an elephant that’s stuck in a room and still growing. At this point you’re on the verge of animal abuse and I know you’re too good of a person to willingly do that. Even if you are a bit dumb at times.

While the home is being carefully dismantled around the elephant (How are you paying for all of this by the way?) the elephant will become quite agitated. As such it will be necessary to calm the elephant through speech. But how do you address an elephant in a proper manner? It’s not like normal human expressions of politeness will work here. That elephant doesn’t know the difference between the words ‘sir’ and ‘shithead’.

Tone of voice is important, but it’s also going to be a difficult thing to figure out in this scenario. After all there’s going to be (de)construction equipment all around which will make verbal communication next to impossible. But don’t try to yell over the rest of the noise as this will only make matters worse! The only time the elephant should hear you is in between periods of external noises. Keep calm and let the elephant you that you’re not a threat. Honestly, if you managed to herd it into a basement you likely already have an idea of how to talk to animals anyway.

As with any living human/animal/etc that doesn’t understand your language your tone of voice combined with body language is more important than your actual words. The actual words you use are meant solely to calm you down so that you can maintain your composure and continue to project a calm demeanor. So if calling the elephant a shithead will help you out here, go for it. Whatever helps.

If you are on good enough terms to touch the elephant without angering it then do so! Gentle stroking and petting goes a long way in keeping living beings calm. Avoid any sudden movements and you should be fine. The entire process should get easier over time because hopefully as the elephant adjusts to the noise around him/her, coping with the situation will be easier for both of you.

As for the inevitable lawsuit(s), criminal charge(s) and loss of a friend as a result of all this . . . I’m afraid I can’t help you there buddy. Sorry.

Why does my e-reader have it's own sketching program?

Why does my e-reader have its own sketching program? And why is exporting pictures from it so difficult?

A list of things that feel good to shove my finger in.‏

– A pile of paper clips.

– Okay, I’m only on the second one and it’s already really hard not to list your mom. Oh shit. Please exclude both of the previous sentences/sentence fragments contained in this bullet point from this list.

– Pillows with those little bead thingies in them. Like the kind you buy for your neck.

– Most of the Queen’s possessions.

– Cold pudding!

(Editor’s note: Research is needed on this topic. A finger shall be shoved into many things during the duration of this writing.)

– The fur of a really fluffy animal.

– A bowl full of coins for multiple reasons. Like knowing that you’re so rich you can just put disposable income in a bowl and swirl it around with your finger.

– The hand of a loved one.

– A deer made entirely out of felt.

– Your ear, although that’s not really for the finger per say. Also, if you scratch the inside of your ear it sounds king of like you’re playing Pac-Man.

– Another person’s liver. Or mashed up hot dogs. Same difference I find.

– A hat as you twirl it around your finger.

– The moon.

– The curled up tongue of most creatures although a lion is really the best one in my educated opinion.

– Anything that can be used for finger painting, especially things that aren’t finger paints.