– As a friend of mine put it, ‘violent headbutt snuggles’.
– Greeting people by licking them.
– Eat my food without the use of my hands out of a dish that’s on the floor.
– Sleep for twenty hours a day without falling behind on bills and food.
– Scratch up the couch with my nails while only getting a stern ‘stop that’.
– Bark loudly all night and have it blamed on somebody else.
– Wake people up whenever I want any little thing, even if I just want somebody to scratch an itch.
– Leave my poop lying around in a box or throw it at people.
– Rolling around on the ground to look cute (especially outside).
– Be completely clueless about current events in the world and have everyone be okay with that.
There’s nothing I want to do more now than to crawl under this desk, make a fort with several office chairs and hide out in my cubicle fortress. By the time I had that thought I had already done exactly that.
I proceeded to peer out in sheer contempt at all of the various forest animals that are trying to steal my precious back pillow. I need that back pillow. Sitting in a chair all day hurts for reasons that only vaguely make sense to me!
Then I see the muskrat. I’m pretty sure that’s not a forest animal but anyway . . . Out of the corner of my eye I had seen this creature running away from me all summer long. But this was not out of the corner of my eye this time. He had crawled in between the chairs and now he staring me directly in the left eye. That’s when I realized that not only had I forgotten to construct any actual means of defence, but I had also encased myself and was unable to move any part of my body!
This muskrat or ferret or whatever it was (What? I grew up in a small fishing village. Stop it with that weird stare!) began to slowly crawl all over my face. I tried to hold my resolve but eventually it started to crawl around my neck, tickling me in the process. Taking advantage of the literal opening that was created, I suddenly found myself with a furry thing stuffing itself into my mouth. And I had a cold so breathing was an issue. I hate it when that happens.
My tongue was then bitten in a most vicious manner!
My assailant had ran off, leaving me to scream wildly as my mouth bleed faster than I could’ve imagined. I screamed and screamed until a co-worker finally dug me out. Then I had received a written warning. Apparently being stuck under my desk while bleeding all over the carpet for the third time that month was “Three times too many and I should be grateful they let it slide the first two times.”.
A wall. For the most part.
The leg of that table which I swear if I stub my toe on it for like the seventh time tonight I’m going to destroy the thing entirely using only thoughts of explosions.
A cardboard box full of German Shepherds. Also, a cardboard box full of shepherds that happen to be German.
The majority of doors which is super disappointing.
The Queen (Although the pain wouldn’t be from her directly . . . Probably her guards or something.).
Cute animals, although the pain is more emotional in that case to be honest.
Beehives. Although it is an impressive feat of agility.
Marsha suggested an alligator. That’s reasonable.
BEARS! THE ALLIGATORS OF THE LAND!
A glass box of rusty nails.
City Hall regardless of if it’s in session or not.
The sun, the stars, a lit fireplace . . . Anything that is made of fire.
Robots that look like people. I fall for it every time.
(Editor’s Note: The follow picture is from my girlfriend and several of her friends (One of these bees was drawn by a semi-professional manga artist.). All of these were drawn left handed on a moving train.)