I’m being assaulted by jelly beans.

I’m strapped to a chair. I have lost the will to fight anymore. Deprived of food, water, sleep and any form of entertainment or interaction with any living creature, I was no longer able to fend them off. I barely came to, and now I have no idea what will happen next.

That’s when the torture began. The jelly beans slowly marched into the room through a tiny rat hole, one by one. They ambled over to me and began to chew at my ankles, savoring my many flavors. Or single flavor. I never chewed on my ankles before, so I’m not sure. I was too weak to stop them.

That’s when I realized something. JELLY BEANS ARE FOOD! I AM SO STUPID!

I feigned strength, hoping that I could hold on long enough for my plan to work. I pretended that they were not hurting me. They began to travel all over my body, searcing for my weak point. When one crawled into my mouth and had a nibble, I screamed my best painful scream. Anxious to finish me off, they all crawled into my mouth. However, before they ate my tounge, I DECIDED TO EAT THEM INSTEAD! YUMMY AND FREEDOM ARE AWESOME!

I waited for my surge of power that would see me break through my bonds and rip everything in half. Then I realized that jelly beans are bad for me. Then I realized that the only thing that was holding me to the chair was a seat belt. So I undid it and walked out the front door. If only I realized my intellectual advantage over the jelly beans sooner, this never would’ve happened.


The following picture was drawn by my good friend Real. I debated putting this up since it’s not really poorly drawn ha ha.

I could just go to sleep right now.

There’s nothing I want to do more now than to crawl under this desk, make a fort with several office chairs and hide out in my cubicle fortress. By the time I had that thought I had already done exactly that.

I proceeded to peer out in sheer contempt at all of the various forest animals that are trying to steal my precious back pillow. I need that back pillow. Sitting in a chair all day hurts for reasons that only vaguely make sense to me!

Then I see the muskrat. I’m pretty sure that’s not a forest animal but anyway . . . Out of the corner of my eye I had seen this creature running away from me all summer long. But this was not out of the corner of my eye this time. He had crawled in between the chairs and now he staring me directly in the left eye. That’s when I realized that not only had I forgotten to construct any actual means of defence, but I had also encased myself and was unable to move any part of my body!

This muskrat or ferret or whatever it was (What? I grew up in a small fishing village. Stop it with that weird stare!) began to slowly crawl all over my face. I tried to hold my resolve but eventually it started to crawl around my neck, tickling me in the process. Taking advantage of the literal opening that was created, I suddenly found myself with a furry thing stuffing itself into my mouth. And I had a cold so breathing was an issue. I hate it when that happens.

My tongue was then bitten in a most vicious manner!

My assailant had ran off, leaving me to scream wildly as my mouth bleed faster than I could’ve imagined. I screamed and screamed until a co-worker finally dug me out. Then I had received a written warning. Apparently being stuck under my desk while bleeding all over the carpet for the third time that month was “Three times too many and I should be grateful they let it slide the first two times.”.