Bacon was ruined for me by the internet and that makes me sad.

For the first twentyish years of my life I enjoyed bacon as much as the next person. I ate platefuls of it at buffets, always had some on hand, put it on everything, etc. I even recall writing a number of stories about developing superpowers about eating the stuff on my older blogs I had as a teen.

Over the years though I just lost the taste for it somehow. Granted, a good deal of that had to do with some health scares. Being exposed to the world’s information led me to learn about the importance of managing one’s fat/sodium intake and although I’m not usually too good at looking after that stuff I generally know enough to stay away from super unhealthy foods. Like bacon. Having a heart condition is probably a good reason to care about that sort of thing.

The main thing that did it for me though was just the constant manufactured love for the stuff everywhere on the internet. Everyone just went on and on about how much they loved the stuff and how they couldn’t live without it. At first it didn’t bother me but then I talked to people I know offline who would constantly go on about all this bacon hype knowing that they rarely (if ever) actually ate the stuff. This constant repetition and false hype about a simple food item eventually just made me never want to even look at the stuff ever again. I’m not generally a fan of humor consisting of being obsessed with a simple object or phrase.

Now please excuse me while I go draw some bees.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things except some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things but as you can see some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

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What if my arms were actually rhinos?

What if I could meld my arms into things without hurting them? I’m thinking something like Axel from Twisted Metal but with animals instead of giant wheels. Axel is a character who’s basically fused into these giant tires with some other mechanical bits, as shown below.

What if I could have my arms fused into the side of a pair of rhinos? Oh man, the power!

I wonder how it would feel like to steer such large animals with my arms. Turning by turning one arm closer to my chest and one arm away from my chest would definitely be a rush the first few times. At first I’d be worried about running into things but given the size of the creatures I’m sure they’d hit things before I do. And unless it’s something large it probably wouldn’t bother them anywhere near as much as it would bother me.

Dude! Maybe flapping my arms would make them jump. That might very well be the very thing I now desire more than anything, even more so than an infinite supply of special Diet Pepsi and bacon that has no negative effect on my health. I’d find a┬ádesolate place and just jump around while relishing the complete and utter destruction that I’d be causing.

Hmmmm, I just realized something. How would I ever traverse anything like stairs or anything that would require me to reach a higher point in the building? I mean, I could probably just punch some buildings down but that doesn’t give me a good view of the horizon and as an undesired sound effect it seems to kill people a lot.

Conclusion: I desire having rhinos for arms, but only some of the time. I feel the ability to go all “Animorphs” with each of my arms instead of my entire being would make for an excellent comic mini-series or OVA of some sort. Maybe I should starting writing and doing the art now!

I don’t think it works for bees though.