I solved the hunger crisis (kind of)!

After many, many years of refining my latent psychic abilities I finally had a breakthrough. One day while I was extremely irritated a strange feeling permeated along the inner surface of my closed fist. This was exciting! I was very excited that this was happening!

Opening my right hand I found . . . Some Corn Flakes? Just then I felt a different sensation in my other hand. Opening that hand revealed a tiny immaculate Rice Krispie square. Placing both handfuls of food on the table in front of me I pondered and paced for hours trying to determine why I got the foods that I did from doing this.

Over the course of about a month or so I came to realize that strong emotions could be transmuted into physical foods with each emotion resulting in a different food. Experimenting on feeding various people without any side effects, it was decided that this ability could easily be used to help people in a discreet manner.

After planning out my next day off, I made sure to deprive myself of sleep to wake up in a terrible mood. My irritation filled boxes of cereal which I discreetly sealed and put into Corn Flake boxes that I had lying around which were opened and resealed from the bottom. I sat down at the computer and calmed down for awhile with some hot chocolate. Once I was relaxed enough I began to pull out bananas from the side of my closed hand like so many magician handkerchiefs.

As my memory is bad enough that I could hide my own Easter eggs I managed to leave some Lego pieces on the floor in the bathroom. In my anger I managed to focus that rage into several bags of carrots. Finally having enough food to fill a large bag I excitedly produced a couple of Rice Krispie squares for myself (I’m not sure how to donate those in a way that isn’t sketchy yet.) I made my way to the local food bank and made a rather large donation.

Someday I’m going to share this secret in the world. It’ll probably be a self-published eBook or something though. I’m assuming it’ll be hard for me to get a publisher to back me up on this. In the meantime try to support your local food bank through more traditional means!

This took more time than I'd care to admit. And what's with that 'Y'?

This took more time than I’d care to admit. And what’s with that ‘Y’?

Life as a hamster must be pretty sweet.‏

I wanna be a hamster when I grow up.

Everything must look so amazing to a hamster. Like, a single piece of Captain Crunch is a large, sugary meal.

You know what, I’m bored with the hamster thing already. Let’s talk about how awesome it would be to be able to live off of nothing but Captain Crunch.

So it’s not particularly expensive. Well . . . It depends on how much you eat in a day I guess. But it’s always on sale somewhere so with a little traveling you could easily do three boxes a day for under ten bucks. That’s under 300 dollars a month on food which ain’t too shabby.

Eating nothing but Captain Crunch will fill you up with essential sugar, which in turn will MAKE YOU SO POWERFUL! HOW POWERFUL!? HOW ABOUT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SUN!? And being able to move the sun around has many benefits. Don’t believe me? Check it:

– Moving the sun allows you to set the temperature anywhere in the universe to anything you want it to be. Who needs to live outside one’s comfort zone when your comfort zone includes entire galaxies?

– Something in the way? Simply use the sun to burn it.

– And talk about impressing the ladies/gentlemen, am I right? Nothing secures a second date like tipping the waiter with a piece of sun.

Secondarily, Captain Crunch has lots of fibre. I think. Too lazy to do the fact checking right now.