Bacon was ruined for me by the internet and that makes me sad.

For the first twentyish years of my life I enjoyed bacon as much as the next person. I ate platefuls of it at buffets, always had some on hand, put it on everything, etc. I even recall writing a number of stories about developing superpowers about eating the stuff on my older blogs I had as a teen.

Over the years though I just lost the taste for it somehow. Granted, a good deal of that had to do with some health scares. Being exposed to the world’s information led me to learn about the importance of managing one’s fat/sodium intake and although I’m not usually too good at looking after that stuff I generally know enough to stay away from super unhealthy foods. Like bacon. Having a heart condition is probably a good reason to care about that sort of thing.

The main thing that did it for me though was just the constant manufactured love for the stuff everywhere on the internet. Everyone just went on and on about how much they loved the stuff and how they couldn’t live without it. At first it didn’t bother me but then I talked to people I know offline who would constantly go on about all this bacon hype knowing that they rarely (if ever) actually ate the stuff. This constant repetition and false hype about a simple food item eventually just made me never want to even look at the stuff ever again. I’m not generally a fan of humor consisting of being obsessed with a simple object or phrase.

Now please excuse me while I go draw some bees.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things except some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things but as you can see some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

This is a tribute to the best chef currently alive: Señor Arpakasso

I’m Señor Arpakasso,
And I’m bringing the stew.
Then you better settle down,
Because we’re having dessert too.

This dish goes out,
To all my fans and my folks.
You can’t top this treat,
I’m using 144 grams of egg yolks.

Don’t know who I am?
Just look at my little hat.
You’ll know that I’m serious,
Right off from the bat.

Making your mouth water,
Is my greatest desire.
You’re going to love it,
When I start to play with fire!

So come on over,
And have yourself a seat.
I’ll whip you up something
That simply can’t be beat!

Dinner is my Kraft.‏

The water begins to boil as the night wind howls silently in the night . . .

It is time.

I carefully tear off the top flaps on the box. Removing the pouch of delicious I pour the rest of the contents into the pot, savouring the sound of the noodles scraping the box on the way out. Tossing the box into my box of boxes to be recycled, I grab my plastic mixing spoon and prepare myself.

It is only seconds before I start briskly stirring. Every few seconds I give the water a whirl with the spoon. There’s nothing worse than having noodles stuck to the bottom of the pot. It is something I always endeavor to avoid with the utmost urgency. After several minutes it is time for the test.

Using my spoon to dig out several noodles I use a fork to pick one out and eat it. Still too tough. I repeat this process every ten seconds or so until the consistency is absolutely perfect. Placing my utensils on the counter I grab a strainer and hastily drain the water, making sure to bang the pot against the strainer repeatedly to get everything out.

Pouring the noodles back into the pot while noting the slopping noise it makes, I use my mixing spoon to carve out a small sliver of margarine from the open container and mix it in with my food. Forgoing the milk I open the cheese pouch of destiny and mix it in as well. Using a lesser quantity of ingredients requires much more effort to mix the the cheese in fully but by the hair of the dog is it ever worth it.

Stirring for a full minute or so turns the entire pot into a healthy colour of orange. This is what life is about right here. I get my favourite bowl to pour it in. Having a bowl that’s not very deep and almost resembles a deep dish is very important. I throw the pot into the sink and fill it with water to let it soak. Then I take the bowl over to my computer table along with the fork, sit down and take the first bite.

This is going to be a good day people.