Even as I sat on the bus en route to his place the phone call still repeated itself constantly in my mind. It was a short call that consisted entirely of him calling me and stating that he had a real life Farfetch’d that I should come over to his house to see before he hung up. Had he finally gone mad? I think that was the thing I was most curious about.
I guess his story was a bit . . . Farfetch’d. Because nobody has ever made that joke before.
Exiting the bus and making my way up the sidewalk he burst out of his front door with the excitement of a small child who had just gotten a video game system for Christmas despite the fact that his parents really couldn’t afford it. As he told me that he had been awaiting this day for his entire life my friend led me upstairs to his bedroom.
What awaited me was . . . Unexpected. A dead Mallard duck was propped up against a bookend with a leek shoved in its beak. After taking what must have been at least a solid minute or so I looked at this man whom I considered a friend and consciously blinked several times in an attempt to request an explanation without having to go through the awkwardness of actually asking.
“Isn’t it awesome!? I just found her lying on the side of the river by the elementary school just past the strip mall. Her name is Jet Leek. She’s too proud to live in a Poké Ball as you can see.”
Looking back at the duck it was then that I finally became aware of the smell. Thinking carefully about how to point out the obvious in a tactful manner I gave up and blatantly stated “I think it’s rotting dude.”.
“Nah, I haven’t had a chance to get her in the bath yet.”
At this point I had completely nothing. Nothing. Out of politeness and value for our friendship I congratulated him on his find and made up an excuse about running late for something. On the bus heading home I kept trying to process what had just happened. After a while I started to wonder why I was surprised.
After all, that’s like the fourth time he’s done that this year.
Someone bought this for me recently. This is my weapon for the zombie apocalypse.
Nothing looked odd at first whilst I was looking at myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. But after I looked down to spit and looked back up it seemed that my hair was . . . Fuller? A little thicker . . . Maybe a bit longer? It was morning, maybe I’m tired, I dunno. I started a new temporary contract yesterday and couldn’t afford to be late so I didn’t think to much about it and went on my way.
As I was walking down the street my hat came off of my head. I picked it up off the ground and put it back on, noting that it appeared to be fitting a little more tightly than usual. Again, I assumed I was just tired and continued on to work.
Arriving at the office I could no longer shake off the odd feeling I had in my head. Having shown up a few minutes early I went to check things out in the bathroom. By this point my hair had already become shoulder length. Shoulder length and still excessively curly. Something was up. Way up.
Just as I realized that something was wrong my hair starting growing so fast that within seconds the tiny room was filled with hair. From there it only began to grow more quickly and thickly. Just as I was about to choke from lack of air/excess of hair the force of the hair made the room burst open. This in turn led to the destruction of the building and the vast amount of hair caused me to propel to the air. I continued to be moved upward by the increasing mass of hair below me until I entered space. As this point the planet was already off its orbit but since it was becoming covered in hair as well I assumed that pretty much meant the end of everything on Earth.
As I traveled in an unknown direction in space hair began to grow out of every part of my body. Different masses of hair attached themselves to different planets, moons and other assorted space matter. Somehow things were about to get worse. Worse as in all of the planets fought back by absorbing and retracting the hair at the same time. This in turn caused my body to be slowly ripped apart into thousands of little pieces.
Space is my home now, and hair is the only things I know. As my body is spread out throughout the universe I eventually black out from the pain. The last thing I saw was an asteroid made entirely out of hair coming straight for my forehead.