Some thoughts:

Just once I’d love to see a corporate entity be openly disgusted with failing to meet their goal for a charity drive. Imagine going on a bus and seeing an ad for a fast food company with a picture of some sad children and something along the lines of: “Whelp, we only raised $5,000 for ________ last year. What a waste of time and effort.”

I was walking around downtown one day while wondering how to advance my career as a foot model. My problem is that I wasn’t getting anywhere near enough exposure. So I took my shoes and socks off. Problem solved.

Someday I will die a heroic death to save someone. As she holds me in her arms, I will tell her “If you see my wife, tell her that I love her,” to which she will reply “It’s me, I’m right here.” “How convenient,” I will say as I breathe my last.

Sketch20113489

Search engine optimization, yo!

Search engine optimization is a great way to increase traffic to your site. Instead of trying to make myself more visible by writing out a bunch of words all over the site that are irrelevant to anything that I do, I’m going to inflate search terms that people are already using to find my site. Here are three of the more popular searches:

“things that feel good”

Things that feel good. I should draw more bees doing things that feel good. I should do things that feel good once in awhile. Mmmmmmmmmm . . .

“drawn erotica”

Drawn Erotica. But seriously, if you were actually looking for drawn erotica I'm sorry.

“have you ever skipped school because you were tired”

Have you ever skipped school because you were tired?

Swiping like a fox.

So most of you have likely used a modern smart phone or tablet at some point and controlled something by swiping the screen. Although it can be a hindrance at times every once in a while you use an app or a game that utilizes the function well. Which got me wondering as to how excellent such a thing would be if it worked in the real world.

At first the only application of such an ability would be for fun. It’d be a blast to be able to do things that include running your finger across a tree to fling it aside and the like. One would also have to be extremely careful about using it or petting a cat could go in a very bad direction quite quickly.  With that said it could have some beneficial uses as well.

Walls would no longer be a problem as long as you pay attention to what you’re doing. Putting two fingers together, swiping both fingers outward and walking into a room would make for a quick entrance into anything. Just make sure to close your newly created door behind you. Household chores would be less tedious as well when you don’t have to actually exert any real effort.

Being able to shrink things by putting a finger on opposite corners and swiping inwards would be fantastic! You could order a huge poutine and shrink it down into a bite-sized heart attack as opposed to a full-sized one. On the flip side you could make food larger and solve world hunger with the reverse motion.

I wonder if there’s a super hero in print with such an ability yet . . .

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Bradley of http://bwhartwork.com generously sent me a couple of pictures that his two children drew. For the record these are probably two of the better drawings I’ve put up on this site so far ha ha.

Thanks again Bradley, you and your children rock!

Hollow victories.

Ever since I had seen that tall tree standing along in a clearing that I found in the middle of the forest as a child I knew I wanted to reach the top of it someday. After weeks of unsuccessfully trying to climb it I brought a chainsaw one day. Having cut down the tree I simply walked over to the top of it and I had finally achieved my goal. The view from there wasn’t really as good as I was hoping though.

I am the master of the 2 meter sprint. I think.

I’ve always wanted to ride a horse but I was too poor to afford proper riding lessions. So one day I worked up the nerve and rode the merry-go-round with all of my savings. Wheeee . . . ?

The pride that comes with a hard day of work done at the office.

Purchasing and eating an entire cake or tub of ice cream. An empty victory with plenty of empty calories on the side!

Winning arguments with Santabot on a regular basis. I’ve also sat through 6 1/2 hours of Leekspin. Online arguments are generally hollow victories as well. Maybe victories on the internet in general are ultimately pointless for the most part.

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All credits regarding this video’s content are in the video description.

When I no longer rue the world, and decide to begin ruling it instead.

Yes, I’m doing that hack writing thing where I talk about what I would do if I ran the world as if anybody is supposed to care.

First thing to go? My dishes. Once I’m rich they’re becoming disposable. But I don’t mean disposable as in the kind that are labelled as such on the packaging. I mean disposable as in I’m going to buy whatever dishes I want, use them once and then hurl them against a wall above a chute that feeds into a trash compactor when I’m done.

Second? Nobody will be allowed to refer to eating an unhealthy snack as being naughty or bad. I don’t wanna hear women at the office saying things like “Mmmmmm, I’m being so naughty today.” unless it’s in between makeout sessions with each other.

Third: I will open a theme park filled with nothing but bunnies. They’ll all be given wonderful homes and taken care of. The park will have plenty of free roaming areas where bunnies will run around and people can pet them if they’re willing.

Other miscellaneous things would include making spiders extinct while finding a way to fill their role in our ecosystem, making my own video game company and probably something that involves making me stupid rich. Because honestly, I’m human after all.

Hmmm . . . Outside of that it’d be mostly the usual stuff. Making war illegal, distributing wealth more evenly and all that stuff. If nothing else the ego boost from solving the world’s problems would totally make my life ha ha.

Let’s talk about cool people for a minute.

Okay, so we all know that cool guys don’t look at explosions right? But that can’t be all of it. What else don’t they look at? Come to think of it, I feel this applies to everyone regardless of age, race or gender. What else don’t cool people look at?

I imagine cool people don’t look at the band when they’re playing. But not in the sense that they’re doing something like watching the show through their phone’s camera or other such silliness. It’s like they don’t need to look at the band because they’re there to feel the music, not to just stand there and watch y’know?

Cool people don’t feel the need to look at the people behind them on the sidewalk. I’m pretty confident that this is true. After all it’s a pretty pointless thing to do unless you think you know the person or people behind you. If one can ignore an explosion than surely a small detail like a random person you will have no interaction with is also something that won’t capture your attention.

Not looking back when someone says ‘boo’ has to be a mark of the cool.

My girlfriend mentioned car/train crashes along with most disasters in general. I say she has a good point there. Having that much discipline is pretty badass. Not looking when a building is being professionally imploded would take a lot of discipline as well.

Oh! Cool people don’t look at the muggers they’re fighting off! It’s all like bam, elbow to the throat followed by casually walking away. This is officially now on my bucket list. Come at me bro.

* * *

Even drawing a bee in Duke Nukem Forever sucks. Although I don’t hate this game as much as I’m told I should. If only it came out in the late 90’s like it should have.

You know you’re going to have a bad day when taking a shower scares the crap out of you.

You ever do that thing where you close your eyes and all of a sudden all you can envision are the most frightening things you can possibly think of?

So I’m in the shower getting all lathered up. Then I put the shampoo in my hair and run my head under the water. Just then all I could think of are spiders (I’m extremely arachnophobic.). But with a face full of soap I couldn’t open them again because then I’d have eyefuls of pain.

Man, that was a scary five seconds.

On a side note, I totally want one of these:

The following is my sister doing her absolute best to draw me a bee in a poorly drawn fashion. She actually has some legit talent, and you can check out her sewing projects over at http://envisionedstitches.wordpress.com/.

Cheers!