For my 100th post, I remembered that I started this blog to tell silly stories!

I was monitoring my monitor looking for miniature Minotaurs to go on a mini-tour through Ecuador. As both bodyguards and storytellers they simply can’t be beat. After about 17 hours of fruitlessly staring at my screen I decided that the whole thing was a waste of time. Partially because I’m not actually going on any sort of tour, but mostly because Minotaurs don’t exist anyway.

Shutting off my computer, I decided to lay down on my carpet. Sometimes you just gotta lay on the floor, you know what I mean? If you don’t understand then I don’t know what to say. Anyhoo . . . My eyelids began to feel heavy, the lack of sleep finally beginning to catch up with me.

Not knowing how long I had dozed off for, I awoke gently. Unfortunately that was the last gentle moment that I would ever experience.

Ever get that feeling where you stick to a chair after sitting on it in your underwear/while nude for so long? I was getting that feeling from carpet. I tried to get up but couldn’t move. I looked over and was horrified to see that I was quickly being swallowed up by the carpet.

Before I knew it I was one with the carpet. Or to be more accurate, one within the carpet. It was odd. The mass of carpet grew around me as I remained in the center. I didn’t understand what was happening, nor did I have any way of knowing just how far and how fast this mass of carpet was growing. It was like my own little world. But isn’t wasn’t a very nice world. I was still completely stuck. I guess coffin would be a better word for it? Yeah, let’s go with coffin.

For some reason I felt like I had gone through this many times before. I simply closed my eyes and accepted my impending death. My living room floor is my home now, and layers of dirt that vacuum cleaners miss are the only things I know. The last thing I felt before passing out from a lack of air was a rather fuzzy feeling.

I would eventually awake in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remained . . . 

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100 bees! Which one is your favourite?

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Since it’s the season I have to wonder this out loud.

There’s something I never understood. Why do people seek entertainment in the horror genre? As someone who scares easily and has a hard time shaking that off, I can’t for the life of me understand why people go out of their way to instill fear in themselves. Especially when that fear is regarding things that can’t possibly exist like monsters and the like.

Somebody please help me out here, I’m genuinely curious.

(I’m recycling this picture because it’s kind of relevant.)

My (completely true) Fallout 3 story.

For the people out there who aren’t all up in the whole modern gaming thing, Fallout 3 is a game that takes place after World War III. It’s played in the first person perspective (Meaning the point of view is from the character’s eyes.) and features a lot of traveling around by foot. Although you’re given details on what you’re supposed to do to advance the story you’re also free to just roam around, explore old buildings, scavenge stuff, fight weird radioactive things and meet random people as you please. So with that said . . .

So I’m wandering around the former town of Grayditch this one time a couple years ago. Grayditch is a rundown town that is completely covered in mutated ants, some of which breath fire and are the size of a large man.

I slowly made my way though all of the buildings I could find above ground, sweeping the area completely and killing all of the ants along the way. After finishing this I made my way to the entrance of a tunnel that led underground. I figured that the queen’s nest was down there and I wanted to gather whatever information I could regarding the source of these ants.

The tunnel proved to be a slow crawl. As expected there were many, many large ants in my way. After fighting my way for what must’ve been at least an hour (Hour and a half?) or so when accounting for both the above ground and underground portions I came across . . . A metallic door? How perfectly odd.

Approaching the door it suddenly opened itself as I was a mere two or three steps away. They haven’t learned how to open doors on their own, have they? But this was no ant. This was an ordinary human being. A scientist of average height and build greeted me. The fact that the door opened so suddenly and the fact that the man was so drastically different from anything I had seen for hours scared me.

It scared me to the point that I threw the controller onto the floor and screamed as loud as I could.

Apparently this is the most terrifying creature in the ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!

I was living with a couple of friends at the time. One of them was already in the living room and was wondering what was so scary about this man/how potentially insane I must be. The other ran out of his room, asking if I was okay. To this I responded by pointing my finger at the television and yelling:

“A MAN JUST WALKED OUT THAT DOOOOOOOOOR!”

It’s been said that I’m an extremely high-strung person.

Have you ever been so tired that you were too scared to fall asleep?

The sense of paranoia that happens when you reach a certain level of over-tired is pretty scary at the time (while it occures), although it can be amusing after the fact. That fear of never waking up doesn’t happen any other time. Well, maybe after a day of eating donair(s) and pizza(s) as is absolutely necessary from time to time.

I’m severely disappointed by the lack of hallucinations that happen when I’m this tired. Actually I’m quite thankful because the mere concept of hallucinations is something that I’m afraid of, but on the other hand I figure such a thing would make for some interesting writing material y’know? Maybe I should go back to abusing NeoCitran.

Oh man, that stuff was awesome! One time had this dream that hot dog wieners became illegal somehow and on the way to school (I would’ve been 16 or 17 at the time) I walked by an alleyway where a sketchy guy was dealing illicit hot dogs cooked on a secret barbeque. Then the next night I had this other dream where the police busted some kid’s birthday because his parents were serving hot dogs. It was hardcore. They were driving their police cars through the lawn table things and everything. Man, had I kept that up I could’ve written some sort of novel . . .

But no . . . Instead here I am just debating on if I should go to bed three hours early tonight or not. Lame.

The Selah touch.‏

It was like having the Midas touch. Except instead of having everything I touch turn to gold everything I touched turned to squirrels. Thankfully this allowed me to eat unlike the previously mentioned curse, but man does eating raw squirrel get real old real fast.

It was something I discovered at work the other day. Not sure exactly how or when it happened but I was typing as usual and suddenly the keys began to turn into tiny squirrels and run away. It’s hard to type when your keys run into the desk drawers and the walls. I started to get up from my chair by firmly placing my hands on the arm rests which in turn made the chair transform into a giant squirrel. Angry squirrels are not comfortable seats and are more than capable of running through doors. As in the smash, bash and crash kind of running through doors.

Having so much destruction caused so quickly by my actions (As indirect as they may be.) caused me panic. I needed to get out of there before anyone knew I was involved and I had mere seconds to do something. So I knelt down and slammed my hands on the floor. The floor turned into squirrels and I feel though to the next floor down. I continued to do this for each floor. I had to be careful for the first couple floors but after that the squirrels started to cushion my fall although they made actually touching each consecutive floor more difficult. Eventually I made it to the ground floor and by this point everything was such a mess of destruction and squirrels that I managed to flee unnoticed. It didn’t appear that anybody else was hurt but I had no time to confirm that.

I made my way home while being extremely careful not to touch anything with my bare skin. Thankfully I had forgotten to lock my apartment door that morning. Admittedly I couldn’t help but pet a cat on the way home while nobody was looking just to watch it change from a cat to a squirrel by my hand. It was weird. Poor cat.

As I became hungry I knew I was in a dire situation. Other than the clothes I already had on I couldn’t touch anything without it running away, including gloves. Seeing a box of cereal I reach out to touch the box. It transforms and runs away. The bag does the same. Taking a deep sigh I quickly toss a piece of the loose cereal in my mouth.

It was the most terrible thing I had ever ate, both in taste and in emotion. But I needed to eat. So I continued until I had eaten just enough to take care of my hunger. Are these really animals with real lives that I’m eating? I had no way of knowing.

Unsure of where to go from here I went out to sit on my balcony. Taking great care not to touch anything with my bare skin I slumped down with my back against the building. My head fell back as I looked up at the tree branches above me and sighed the most defeated sign a person could produce.

A squirrel came down onto the balcony, resting within my reach. I started to wonder what would happen if I were to touch it. It’s already a squirrel, where could things possibly go from here? Would it become . . . Another squirrel? That wouldn’t even make sense. Not that any of this made sense to begin with.

Slowly I reached toward the squirrel. Thankfully it hadn’t noticed me. I gently poked it with my finger . . .

. . . AND THE SQUIRREL EXPLODED! I SCREAMED AS THE SITUATION CALLED FOR IT!

Then the tree exploded, followed by the other buildings, the balcony, the building I lived in, the ground . . . You get the idea. Finally I exploded. Painlessly thankfully.

Space is my home now, and squirrels are the only things I know. As my body is spread out throughout the universe I eventually black out from the pain. The last thing I saw was an asteroid breaking apart a squirrel.

I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains.