I solved the hunger crisis (kind of)!

After many, many years of refining my latent psychic abilities I finally had a breakthrough. One day while I was extremely irritated a strange feeling permeated along the inner surface of my closed fist. This was exciting! I was very excited that this was happening!

Opening my right hand I found . . . Some Corn Flakes? Just then I felt a different sensation in my other hand. Opening that hand revealed a tiny immaculate Rice Krispie square. Placing both handfuls of food on the table in front of me I pondered and paced for hours trying to determine why I got the foods that I did from doing this.

Over the course of about a month or so I came to realize that strong emotions could be transmuted into physical foods with each emotion resulting in a different food. Experimenting on feeding various people without any side effects, it was decided that this ability could easily be used to help people in a discreet manner.

After planning out my next day off, I made sure to deprive myself of sleep to wake up in a terrible mood. My irritation filled boxes of cereal which I discreetly sealed and put into Corn Flake boxes that I had lying around which were opened and resealed from the bottom. I sat down at the computer and calmed down for awhile with some hot chocolate. Once I was relaxed enough I began to pull out bananas from the side of my closed hand like so many magician handkerchiefs.

As my memory is bad enough that I could hide my own Easter eggs I managed to leave some Lego pieces on the floor in the bathroom. In my anger I managed to focus that rage into several bags of carrots. Finally having enough food to fill a large bag I excitedly produced a couple of Rice Krispie squares for myself (I’m not sure how to donate those in a way that isn’t sketchy yet.) I made my way to the local food bank and made a rather large donation.

Someday I’m going to share this secret in the world. It’ll probably be a self-published eBook or something though. I’m assuming it’ll be hard for me to get a publisher to back me up on this. In the meantime try to support your local food bank through more traditional means!

This took more time than I'd care to admit. And what's with that 'Y'?

This took more time than I’d care to admit. And what’s with that ‘Y’?

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Poetry Slam!

I was posting posters on a post,
To share my love of toast.
I even snuck them onto poles of light,
Just before I quickly took flight.

But from behind I was caught!
I struggled and I fought.
I turned and saw my assailant was a cop.
Needless to say he came out on top.

I came up with a solution,
It was the only logical conclusion.
The only way he will let me go,
Is if I impress him with my mad flow.

“I’m going to get this off my chest,
And tell you why you’re being a pest.
I have the right to advertise,
And I don’t need any of your jazzercise.

My main commodity is knowledge,
I got more than a college.
I be bringing these mad rhymes,
All of the . . . Times?”

My freestyle rap failed to provide thrills,
He was not impressed with my skills.
Instead of simply letting me go,
He stomped on my left big toe.

Then he told me to stop with the postering,
Or a court date would be a’fostering.
He told me to have a nice day,
Before skipping along on his merry way.