I have a great Mac n’ Cheese recipe!

Hello everyone. A warm greetings on this fine holiday week.

As the title to this post suggests I have a Macaroni and Cheese recipe that will keep you warm. I’ve held onto this for years but I’m in a festive mood and feel like sharing so here it is. But first a little background:

The year was 200 B.C. back when life in (future) Canada was pretty E.Z.

I was living in my collection of huts in the woods, I had one for each of my moods.

Enough with the rhymes though, it’s time to get serious.

So one night I’m napping. Yes napping, I’m really bad at getting a full night’s sleep. So anyway I’m having a little snooze and was woken up by some hooves. Shocked awake I went outside and in the earth I saw some grooves (Dammit, sorry.).

I had barely comprehended what I had just seen when I heard the herd coming up behind me. Quickly turning around, the last thing I saw was a large number of celestial horses charging right at me. Beaten down by the stampede I quickly blacked out.

I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains . . . 

 

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Passing the time.

So I’m there in a meeting, and as I drifted off into a daydream like the model employee that I am . . . I noticed that the only thing I could think of was the value of different objects in the room. Not in their current state but rather wondering what I could fetch for various metals in the room by melting down the projector and the like. This turned out to be a rather fruitless endeavor since I’ve never taken anything other than bottles to a recycling depot and as such had absolutely idea how much various metals are even worth, or if they’re even worth anything at all.

Apparently toast sandwiches are a big thing in Europe? Lemme explain: You take a piece of bread. Toast it, flavor it up on both sides with whatever (I like garlic butter) and put it in between two uncooked pieces of bread. Then you eat it. The textures give off the illusion that you’re eating something that’s more complex than three pieces of bread.

That is amazing and I would gladly risk my father’s left testicle to become the first person to have thought of this. I know that doesn’t sound like a sacrifice on my end but if that was to be applied retroactively that’s a fifty percent chance that I would permanently erase myself from time.

Yes, I would flip that coin to have invented the best poor person meal ever.

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Bacon was ruined for me by the internet and that makes me sad.

For the first twentyish years of my life I enjoyed bacon as much as the next person. I ate platefuls of it at buffets, always had some on hand, put it on everything, etc. I even recall writing a number of stories about developing superpowers about eating the stuff on my older blogs I had as a teen.

Over the years though I just lost the taste for it somehow. Granted, a good deal of that had to do with some health scares. Being exposed to the world’s information led me to learn about the importance of managing one’s fat/sodium intake and although I’m not usually too good at looking after that stuff I generally know enough to stay away from super unhealthy foods. Like bacon. Having a heart condition is probably a good reason to care about that sort of thing.

The main thing that did it for me though was just the constant manufactured love for the stuff everywhere on the internet. Everyone just went on and on about how much they loved the stuff and how they couldn’t live without it. At first it didn’t bother me but then I talked to people I know offline who would constantly go on about all this bacon hype knowing that they rarely (if ever) actually ate the stuff. This constant repetition and false hype about a simple food item eventually just made me never want to even look at the stuff ever again. I’m not generally a fan of humor consisting of being obsessed with a simple object or phrase.

Now please excuse me while I go draw some bees.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things except some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things but as you can see some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I was going to post about how much I despise potatoes.

However, I was informed that I no longer hate potatoes. And it’s kind of true! I will eat mashed potatoes when they’re soaked in like a million pounds of butter or gravy. I spent my high school/college years hyping up my hatred of potatoes.

I no longer know what to do with my life.

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I solved the hunger crisis (kind of)!

After many, many years of refining my latent psychic abilities I finally had a breakthrough. One day while I was extremely irritated a strange feeling permeated along the inner surface of my closed fist. This was exciting! I was very excited that this was happening!

Opening my right hand I found . . . Some Corn Flakes? Just then I felt a different sensation in my other hand. Opening that hand revealed a tiny immaculate Rice Krispie square. Placing both handfuls of food on the table in front of me I pondered and paced for hours trying to determine why I got the foods that I did from doing this.

Over the course of about a month or so I came to realize that strong emotions could be transmuted into physical foods with each emotion resulting in a different food. Experimenting on feeding various people without any side effects, it was decided that this ability could easily be used to help people in a discreet manner.

After planning out my next day off, I made sure to deprive myself of sleep to wake up in a terrible mood. My irritation filled boxes of cereal which I discreetly sealed and put into Corn Flake boxes that I had lying around which were opened and resealed from the bottom. I sat down at the computer and calmed down for awhile with some hot chocolate. Once I was relaxed enough I began to pull out bananas from the side of my closed hand like so many magician handkerchiefs.

As my memory is bad enough that I could hide my own Easter eggs I managed to leave some Lego pieces on the floor in the bathroom. In my anger I managed to focus that rage into several bags of carrots. Finally having enough food to fill a large bag I excitedly produced a couple of Rice Krispie squares for myself (I’m not sure how to donate those in a way that isn’t sketchy yet.) I made my way to the local food bank and made a rather large donation.

Someday I’m going to share this secret in the world. It’ll probably be a self-published eBook or something though. I’m assuming it’ll be hard for me to get a publisher to back me up on this. In the meantime try to support your local food bank through more traditional means!

This took more time than I'd care to admit. And what's with that 'Y'?

This took more time than I’d care to admit. And what’s with that ‘Y’?

This is a tribute to the best chef currently alive: Señor Arpakasso

I’m Señor Arpakasso,
And I’m bringing the stew.
Then you better settle down,
Because we’re having dessert too.

This dish goes out,
To all my fans and my folks.
You can’t top this treat,
I’m using 144 grams of egg yolks.

Don’t know who I am?
Just look at my little hat.
You’ll know that I’m serious,
Right off from the bat.

Making your mouth water,
Is my greatest desire.
You’re going to love it,
When I start to play with fire!

So come on over,
And have yourself a seat.
I’ll whip you up something
That simply can’t be beat!