Hello everyone. A warm greetings on this fine holiday week.
As the title to this post suggests I have a Macaroni and Cheese recipe that will keep you warm. I’ve held onto this for years but I’m in a festive mood and feel like sharing so here it is. But first a little background:
The year was 200 B.C. back when life in (future) Canada was pretty E.Z.
I was living in my collection of huts in the woods, I had one for each of my moods.
Enough with the rhymes though, it’s time to get serious.
So one night I’m napping. Yes napping, I’m really bad at getting a full night’s sleep. So anyway I’m having a little snooze and was woken up by some hooves. Shocked awake I went outside and in the earth I saw some grooves (Dammit, sorry.).
I had barely comprehended what I had just seen when I heard the herd coming up behind me. Quickly turning around, the last thing I saw was a large number of celestial horses charging right at me. Beaten down by the stampede I quickly blacked out.
So I’m there in a meeting, and as I drifted off into a daydream like the model employee that I am . . . I noticed that the only thing I could think of was the value of different objects in the room. Not in their current state but rather wondering what I could fetch for various metals in the room by melting down the projector and the like. This turned out to be a rather fruitless endeavor since I’ve never taken anything other than bottles to a recycling depot and as such had absolutely idea how much various metals are even worth, or if they’re even worth anything at all.
Apparently toast sandwiches are a big thing in Europe? Lemme explain: You take a piece of bread. Toast it, flavor it up on both sides with whatever (I like garlic butter) and put it in between two uncooked pieces of bread. Then you eat it. The textures give off the illusion that you’re eating something that’s more complex than three pieces of bread.
That is amazing and I would gladly risk my father’s left testicle to become the first person to have thought of this. I know that doesn’t sound like a sacrifice on my end but if that was to be applied retroactively that’s a fifty percent chance that I would permanently erase myself from time.
Yes, I would flip that coin to have invented the best poor person meal ever.
For the first twentyish years of my life I enjoyed bacon as much as the next person. I ate platefuls of it at buffets, always had some on hand, put it on everything, etc. I even recall writing a number of stories about developing superpowers about eating the stuff on my older blogs I had as a teen.
Over the years though I just lost the taste for it somehow. Granted, a good deal of that had to do with some health scares. Being exposed to the world’s information led me to learn about the importance of managing one’s fat/sodium intake and although I’m not usually too good at looking after that stuff I generally know enough to stay away from super unhealthy foods. Like bacon. Having a heart condition is probably a good reason to care about that sort of thing.
The main thing that did it for me though was just the constant manufactured love for the stuff everywhere on the internet. Everyone just went on and on about how much they loved the stuff and how they couldn’t live without it. At first it didn’t bother me but then I talked to people I know offline who would constantly go on about all this bacon hype knowing that they rarely (if ever) actually ate the stuff. This constant repetition and false hype about a simple food item eventually just made me never want to even look at the stuff ever again. I’m not generally a fan of humor consisting of being obsessed with a simple object or phrase.
Now please excuse me while I go draw some bees.
I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things but as you can see some of the BEES are actually BEARS.
However, I was informed that I no longer hate potatoes. And it’s kind of true! I will eat mashed potatoes when they’re soaked in like a million pounds of butter or gravy. I spent my high school/college years hyping up my hatred of potatoes.
After many, many years of refining my latent psychic abilities I finally had a breakthrough. One day while I was extremely irritated a strange feeling permeated along the inner surface of my closed fist. This was exciting! I was very excited that this was happening!
Opening my right hand I found . . . Some Corn Flakes? Just then I felt a different sensation in my other hand. Opening that hand revealed a tiny immaculate Rice Krispie square. Placing both handfuls of food on the table in front of me I pondered and paced for hours trying to determine why I got the foods that I did from doing this.
Over the course of about a month or so I came to realize that strong emotions could be transmuted into physical foods with each emotion resulting in a different food. Experimenting on feeding various people without any side effects, it was decided that this ability could easily be used to help people in a discreet manner.
After planning out my next day off, I made sure to deprive myself of sleep to wake up in a terrible mood. My irritation filled boxes of cereal which I discreetly sealed and put into Corn Flake boxes that I had lying around which were opened and resealed from the bottom. I sat down at the computer and calmed down for awhile with some hot chocolate. Once I was relaxed enough I began to pull out bananas from the side of my closed hand like so many magician handkerchiefs.
As my memory is bad enough that I could hide my own Easter eggs I managed to leave some Lego pieces on the floor in the bathroom. In my anger I managed to focus that rage into several bags of carrots. Finally having enough food to fill a large bag I excitedly produced a couple of Rice Krispie squares for myself (I’m not sure how to donate those in a way that isn’t sketchy yet.) I made my way to the local food bank and made a rather large donation.
Someday I’m going to share this secret in the world. It’ll probably be a self-published eBook or something though. I’m assuming it’ll be hard for me to get a publisher to back me up on this. In the meantime try to support your local food bank through more traditional means!
This took more time than I’d care to admit. And what’s with that ‘Y’?
– Okay, I’m only on the second one and it’s already really hard not to list your mom. Oh shit. Please exclude both of the previous sentences/sentence fragments contained in this bullet point from this list.
– Pillows with those little bead thingies in them. Like the kind you buy for your neck.
– Most of the Queen’s possessions.
– Cold pudding!
(Editor’s note: Research is needed on this topic. A finger shall be shoved into many things during the duration of this writing.)
– The fur of a really fluffy animal.
– A bowl full of coins for multiple reasons. Like knowing that you’re so rich you can just put disposable income in a bowl and swirl it around with your finger.
– The hand of a loved one.
– A deer made entirely out of felt.
– Your ear, although that’s not really for the finger per say. Also, if you scratch the inside of your ear it sounds king of like you’re playing Pac-Man.
– Another person’s liver. Or mashed up hot dogs. Same difference I find.
– A hat as you twirl it around your finger.
– The moon.
– The curled up tongue of most creatures although a lion is really the best one in my educated opinion.
– Anything that can be used for finger painting, especially things that aren’t finger paints.
The water begins to boil as the night wind howls silently in the night . . .
It is time.
I carefully tear off the top flaps on the box. Removing the pouch of delicious I pour the rest of the contents into the pot, savouring the sound of the noodles scraping the box on the way out. Tossing the box into my box of boxes to be recycled, I grab my plastic mixing spoon and prepare myself.
It is only seconds before I start briskly stirring. Every few seconds I give the water a whirl with the spoon. There’s nothing worse than having noodles stuck to the bottom of the pot. It is something I always endeavor to avoid with the utmost urgency. After several minutes it is time for the test.
Using my spoon to dig out several noodles I use a fork to pick one out and eat it. Still too tough. I repeat this process every ten seconds or so until the consistency is absolutely perfect. Placing my utensils on the counter I grab a strainer and hastily drain the water, making sure to bang the pot against the strainer repeatedly to get everything out.
Pouring the noodles back into the pot while noting the slopping noise it makes, I use my mixing spoon to carve out a small sliver of margarine from the open container and mix it in with my food. Forgoing the milk I open the cheese pouch of destiny and mix it in as well. Using a lesser quantity of ingredients requires much more effort to mix the the cheese in fully but by the hair of the dog is it ever worth it.
Stirring for a full minute or so turns the entire pot into a healthy colour of orange. This is what life is about right here. I get my favourite bowl to pour it in. Having a bowl that’s not very deep and almost resembles a deep dish is very important. I throw the pot into the sink and fill it with water to let it soak. Then I take the bowl over to my computer table along with the fork, sit down and take the first bite.