PEOPLE SAY I USE CAPS TOO MUCH. NO. THIS IS ME USING CAPS TOO MUCH.

ARE YOU NOT FEELING ENOUGH POWER LATELY? DO YOU FIND THAT EVEN IF YOU YELL THAT YOU’RE FREE NOW AND RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT YOU’RE STILL NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO EXPLODE AN ANGRY BULL INTO A SHOWER OF CONFETTI WITH A SINGLE POKE OF YOUR FINGER?

DON’T LISTEN TO THE OTHER ADS. THEY’RE ALL FAKES MADE BY COMEDY TROUPES DESIGNED TO GET SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET YOUTUBE MONEY. THESE SECRET EXERCISES THAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU WILL POWER YOU UP SO QUICKLY IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU JUST TOOK SOME SORT OF DRUG. BUT YOU DIDN’T! THIS IS NOT ONLY STREET LEGAL BUT ALSO LEGIT ENOUGH FOR THE STREETS HOMESLICE!

FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR PRIMARY HAND AND BALL IT UP INTO A FIST. THEN YOU TENSE UP THAT FUCKER AND YOU TENSE IT UP REAL GOOD UNTIL YOUR WHOLE ARM IS SHAKING. ONCE YOU FEEL THE POWER (I CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE BUT TRUST ME YOU WILL KNOW) THEN YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY INSIDE THE NEAREST BUILDING YOU DO NOT CARE FOR AND DESTROY ONE OF THE WALLS WITH A SINGLE PUNCH. JUST TO BE SURE GO AND PUNCH THE OTHER WALLS IN THE BUILDING, AND AS THE CEILING COLLAPSES ON YOU PUNCH UPWARDS TO DESTROY THAT TOO. OKAY, MAYBE THIS MAKES THE WHOLE THING A LITTLE LESS THAN STREET LEGAL BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE AM I RIGHT?

WHAT, YOU THINK THAT’S CRAZY? YOU SEE, I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE SEEING THAT YOU WERE CLEARLY BORN YESTERDAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THE GALL TO QUESTION ME CHILLLLLLLLLLDREN! THAT’S RIGHT, TIME TO CHANNEL SOME THREE DOG UP IN THIS INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE!

WITH YOUR NEWLY FOUND POWER YOU MAY FEEL THE URGE TO PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. DON’T. YOU NEED A HOME TO GO BACK TO EVENTUALLY. ALSO DESTROYING THE HOMES AND LIVES OF OTHERS IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE. YOU MUST USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD, AND YOU HAVE SUCH LITTLE TIME TO DO SO.

HAVING TROUBLE DETERMINING WHAT IS GOOD? I CANNOT ANSWER A QUESTION THAT MAN HAS STRUGGLED WITH SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. BUT I THINK FINAL FANTASY 6’S SABIN MAY HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING HERE SINCE GHOST TRAINS ARE KIND OF SCARY:

A REASONABLE SUGGESTION FROM A REASONABLE MAN.

HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP. IF NOT I WILL NEED TO INSTRUCT YOU IN PERSON. I MAY NEED HELP WITH TRANSPORTATION IF YOU LIVE REALLY FAR AWAY THOUGH AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.

surprise!

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Touch down!‏

No, this article will not be about sports. I would like the discuss the concept of touching and interacting with the actual direction of down if I may. This can be done pretty much anywhere, but it is best if you attempt to sneak up on down while in a very public place. Down will be too busy with everyone else to notice you if you have any luck.

When you try to touch down you have to be very swift and careful. Some would believe that the best away to approach down would be to go down yourself and go with the flow so to speak. But that doesn’t work. If you are going down then you are essentially being inhabited by down and as such it has already caught you. It’s hard to explain but it’s kind of like trying to catch a fire by fueling the flames.

Approaching from below by going upward is fairly predictable so really the best way to touch down is to do so from the side. As you make your move you have to close your eyes and believe. A lack of faith in yourself is always a flaw, especially so when you’re attempting something this difficult. Also, you must close your eyes because down is very good at picking up on physical ‘tells’ such as where you’re looking.

If you were stealthy enough and you believed hard enough, you should now be within reaching distance of down. Not knowing how to handle the situation down will just stop trying to avoid you, thus giving you full control. But you have to be very, very careful with what you do here. Yes, it is okay to touch it and play around with down for a bit. Causing things to fall sideways can be quite fun.

With that said down is extremely fragile. If you do anything that could kill down the world as we know it would change forever. Maybe even die out. Most animals seem to rely on the ability to go down at some point. Birds diving down for food, fishing diving back below the surface of the water, land-based animals walking down hills . . . Down’s influence is everywhere. Respect that.

I mean it. I’m writing this from a ninth floor office and if I can’t get back down after work I’m going to be so pissed off. As in really pissed off like woah.