A list of things that feel good to shove my finger in.‏

– A pile of paper clips.

– Okay, I’m only on the second one and it’s already really hard not to list your mom. Oh shit. Please exclude both of the previous sentences/sentence fragments contained in this bullet point from this list.

– Pillows with those little bead thingies in them. Like the kind you buy for your neck.

– Most of the Queen’s possessions.

– Cold pudding!

(Editor’s note: Research is needed on this topic. A finger shall be shoved into many things during the duration of this writing.)

– The fur of a really fluffy animal.

– A bowl full of coins for multiple reasons. Like knowing that you’re so rich you can just put disposable income in a bowl and swirl it around with your finger.

– The hand of a loved one.

– A deer made entirely out of felt.

– Your ear, although that’s not really for the finger per say. Also, if you scratch the inside of your ear it sounds king of like you’re playing Pac-Man.

– Another person’s liver. Or mashed up hot dogs. Same difference I find.

– A hat as you twirl it around your finger.

– The moon.

– The curled up tongue of most creatures although a lion is really the best one in my educated opinion.

– Anything that can be used for finger painting, especially things that aren’t finger paints.

I want in on this novelty alarm clock jazz.‏

Inventing something weird seems to be one of the easiest ways to quickly make a hundred grand I feel and there appears to be some sort of movement in the alarm clock industry. Here’s a list of alarm clocks I need to make and patent as soon as possible:

– A robotic cat that wakes you up way too early and meows until you feed it. That way people who are allergic to animals can enjoy one of the finest joys of life.

– An alarm clock inside a diamond case that you must deactivate using only telekinesis. Now, it’s been while since I had telekinesis for like two minutes right after being injected with morphine at the hospital but I’m pretty sure that; 1) It actually happened so shut up. 2) Listen, I’m not going to argue about this so just follow along and deal with it. 3) It takes a lot of mental exertion to use any such ability.

– Something that brews coffee that can be timed to have the coffee ready for the time you wake up. When your set time comes along your coffee is then dumped on your face. A real time saver!

– A special bed sheet that escapes from you, pretends to be a ghost and haunts you awake.

– Life-sized toy catcher machine claw. Need I say more?

– A device that produces a nutrient-deprived tree on the spot in the corner of your room while a fan turns on covering you with the smell and feel of fall. If this fails to wake you up peacefully the tree falls over onto you after 30 seconds.