A list of things that blew my small-village mind.

So recently I mentioned how I grew up in a small fishing village and moved to a city right after high school. After over seven years I’ve adjusted fairly well but every once in a while something still blows my mind. Over the years I was all like “Woah” when:

– I found out that bus monitors are a thing. People get paid to supervise children on school buses? I thought the driver was supposed the supervisor as well ha ha.

– On that note, some schools have an in-house police officer!? Dude. When I was in high school it was a huge deal when someone got busted for having weed in their locker that one time.

– So I was living with a couple friends a couple years ago and as I was walking down the hallway to our 8th floor apartment, it hit me. This single building has a larger population than my hometown.

– Wait, jaywalking laws are actually enforced? Huh.

– OH MAN THERE’S MORE THAN TWO PIZZA PLACES/BARS/ANYTHING WHAT IS THIS?

– Not everybody sits around a campfire every weekend and drinks while talking about some other time they were sitting around a campfire while drinking. Neat.

– Seeing three Tim Horton’s on the same street within a city block of each other. I’d love to have a business so successful that I can open that many stores so close together with all of them being profitable.

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So here’s my “First day on the internet story.”. After a couple years on the internet admittedly.

Growing up in a small fishing village with limited internet access, I hadn’t even really seen the internet until I started going to the library at the age of 14 at the next town over. Parental attitudes toward the whole internet thing led to our home not having any internet access until I was . . . 16? Almost 17? Point is, I didn’t grow up in any sort of online culture. As a side note the e-mail address on the right portion of this site is my very first e-mail address. Seriously, as a 25 year-old I assure you I didn’t come up with that recently ha ha.

Fast forwarding to about a couple years later I move to the Halifax region (The biggest ‘urban’ area in Nova Scotia.) to start college. With my student loan I bought my first laptop and signed up for my own internet connection. Unfiltered usage of the internet without any supervision!? It blew my small town mind! So many “artistic films” about “love” to be seen!

When I wasn’t busy boosting local Kleenex® sales (Brand is important here!) I was playing this shitty little online game called U-Dominion. It was basically a cheap MMORPG that was entirely about moving a little guy around a grid of squares, fighting enemies entirely with auto-battle and grinding out levels so you can continue doing this on different grids. The game itself was even more of a grindfest than most games in the genre but it had an always-on global chat. I’m pretty sure most people came to view it as a chat room with a simple game rather than the other way around.

Eventually I start talking to this one particular person in-game and she ask for my MSN (RIP MSN.). After adding her she starts to tell me a sob story about how shitty her life is in Russia. She seemed to require constant consolation but I was naive and felt like playing the hero so I went along with it. She (or even he, I’ll never know) eventually sent me some pictures of some Russian model and claimed it was her. Even then I knew that wasn’t the case but I felt pity that (s)he would have to lie like that for a self-esteem boost instead of suspecting that something was up.

Eventually out of the blue one day this person started going on about how they wanted to hurt him(her)self and craved physical attention. I almost, almost followed along but then stopped and thought about it for a minute. Having a sudden realization I ask if she was turned on by the thought of someone rescuing her from various crises. (S)he confirmed that was the case. Whelp, I hadn’t encountered anything like that before, and my 18 year old small village mind was blown yet again. After stating that I didn’t want anything more to do with this and that I was never talking to this person again I got all sorts of death/hacking threats.

And that’s when I learned (Surprisingly fast given my upbringing.) that I should never, ever trust anything on the Internet.

tl;dr: Stop sharing crazy factoids on Facebook without at least checking Snopes first. People lie on the internet for fun.

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And now I use the internet as an excuse to draw bees on things.

New Year’s Resolutions. How did they become a thing?

As many of us curse ourselves for continuing to write down ‘2012’ on various forms for the next few weeks many more of us will break promises that we have made to ourselves in wake of the new year. Personally I’m going to dread going to the gym since the next six weeks is pretty much the worst time to go ever if you’re already a regular. But I digress.

Then there are those who feel that the concept of New Year’s Resolutions are silly. Why pick that particular time to plan a life change? Shouldn’t you try to improve yourself year-round? Until earlier today I was in that mindset myself.

But then I thought about the things I would like to change in my life. I thought about how I spend too much time on Reddit/other pointless timekillers and less time doing things like socializing or even finishing my massive back log of games/books/albums I’ve yet to listen to. That led into me thinking about how I could probably be a better significant other at times, and from there I started to think about things I could change about myself.

In the shower just now it hit me. New Year’s Resolutions are important because it’s a reminder to sit down and think about our problems rationally and come up with solutions. Even if we generally fail at said solutions many people wouldn’t even attempt them had they not been forced to think about what it is they would want to change in the first place. I felt a little stupid because this way of thinking is exactly the type of thing I was taught is extremely important when I was in therapy for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and as such I feel like I should’ve figured this out long, long ago.

So with that said I’m going to attempt to get off the temp train this year (For those who aren’t in the know, I’ve been working a variety of temporary jobs for quite awhile now), try to be more proactive with my hobbies (And spend less time looking at badly captioned photos and live streams of games I don’t even care about [Except for you Jay, there’s always time to hassle you ha ha]), put some effort into making bees interesting again (Instead of copping out and using MS Paint all the time) and stop telling my girlfriend that she’s a poopface all the time.

Or at least do it less frequently. ❤

Speaking of her, she went out last night but left me this little note. She’s kind of the best.

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How to address the elephant in the room.

So you thought it would be funny to sneak a baby elephant into your friend’s basement and raise it there without the owner of the home knowing eh? Figured that would make a nice little ‘prank’ did you? Whelp, now you have an elephant that’s stuck in a room and still growing. At this point you’re on the verge of animal abuse and I know you’re too good of a person to willingly do that. Even if you are a bit dumb at times.

While the home is being carefully dismantled around the elephant (How are you paying for all of this by the way?) the elephant will become quite agitated. As such it will be necessary to calm the elephant through speech. But how do you address an elephant in a proper manner? It’s not like normal human expressions of politeness will work here. That elephant doesn’t know the difference between the words ‘sir’ and ‘shithead’.

Tone of voice is important, but it’s also going to be a difficult thing to figure out in this scenario. After all there’s going to be (de)construction equipment all around which will make verbal communication next to impossible. But don’t try to yell over the rest of the noise as this will only make matters worse! The only time the elephant should hear you is in between periods of external noises. Keep calm and let the elephant you that you’re not a threat. Honestly, if you managed to herd it into a basement you likely already have an idea of how to talk to animals anyway.

As with any living human/animal/etc that doesn’t understand your language your tone of voice combined with body language is more important than your actual words. The actual words you use are meant solely to calm you down so that you can maintain your composure and continue to project a calm demeanor. So if calling the elephant a shithead will help you out here, go for it. Whatever helps.

If you are on good enough terms to touch the elephant without angering it then do so! Gentle stroking and petting goes a long way in keeping living beings calm. Avoid any sudden movements and you should be fine. The entire process should get easier over time because hopefully as the elephant adjusts to the noise around him/her, coping with the situation will be easier for both of you.

As for the inevitable lawsuit(s), criminal charge(s) and loss of a friend as a result of all this . . . I’m afraid I can’t help you there buddy. Sorry.

Why does my e-reader have it's own sketching program?

Why does my e-reader have its own sketching program? And why is exporting pictures from it so difficult?

PEOPLE SAY I USE CAPS TOO MUCH. NO. THIS IS ME USING CAPS TOO MUCH.

ARE YOU NOT FEELING ENOUGH POWER LATELY? DO YOU FIND THAT EVEN IF YOU YELL THAT YOU’RE FREE NOW AND RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT YOU’RE STILL NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO EXPLODE AN ANGRY BULL INTO A SHOWER OF CONFETTI WITH A SINGLE POKE OF YOUR FINGER?

DON’T LISTEN TO THE OTHER ADS. THEY’RE ALL FAKES MADE BY COMEDY TROUPES DESIGNED TO GET SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET YOUTUBE MONEY. THESE SECRET EXERCISES THAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU WILL POWER YOU UP SO QUICKLY IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU JUST TOOK SOME SORT OF DRUG. BUT YOU DIDN’T! THIS IS NOT ONLY STREET LEGAL BUT ALSO LEGIT ENOUGH FOR THE STREETS HOMESLICE!

FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR PRIMARY HAND AND BALL IT UP INTO A FIST. THEN YOU TENSE UP THAT FUCKER AND YOU TENSE IT UP REAL GOOD UNTIL YOUR WHOLE ARM IS SHAKING. ONCE YOU FEEL THE POWER (I CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE BUT TRUST ME YOU WILL KNOW) THEN YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY INSIDE THE NEAREST BUILDING YOU DO NOT CARE FOR AND DESTROY ONE OF THE WALLS WITH A SINGLE PUNCH. JUST TO BE SURE GO AND PUNCH THE OTHER WALLS IN THE BUILDING, AND AS THE CEILING COLLAPSES ON YOU PUNCH UPWARDS TO DESTROY THAT TOO. OKAY, MAYBE THIS MAKES THE WHOLE THING A LITTLE LESS THAN STREET LEGAL BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE AM I RIGHT?

WHAT, YOU THINK THAT’S CRAZY? YOU SEE, I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE SEEING THAT YOU WERE CLEARLY BORN YESTERDAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THE GALL TO QUESTION ME CHILLLLLLLLLLDREN! THAT’S RIGHT, TIME TO CHANNEL SOME THREE DOG UP IN THIS INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE!

WITH YOUR NEWLY FOUND POWER YOU MAY FEEL THE URGE TO PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. DON’T. YOU NEED A HOME TO GO BACK TO EVENTUALLY. ALSO DESTROYING THE HOMES AND LIVES OF OTHERS IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE. YOU MUST USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD, AND YOU HAVE SUCH LITTLE TIME TO DO SO.

HAVING TROUBLE DETERMINING WHAT IS GOOD? I CANNOT ANSWER A QUESTION THAT MAN HAS STRUGGLED WITH SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. BUT I THINK FINAL FANTASY 6’S SABIN MAY HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING HERE SINCE GHOST TRAINS ARE KIND OF SCARY:

A REASONABLE SUGGESTION FROM A REASONABLE MAN.

HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP. IF NOT I WILL NEED TO INSTRUCT YOU IN PERSON. I MAY NEED HELP WITH TRANSPORTATION IF YOU LIVE REALLY FAR AWAY THOUGH AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.

surprise!

And then I will meet you in the field of battle.

I will have to apologize. This could get messy.

I don’t understand however why you felt the need to challenge me like this? I just wanted to get to know you a little better and you stated that for the first date we have to fight to the death?

I’m bored with this story already. Let’s look up things on Google Images.

A horse kicking/stomping a cake . . .

Nope, but I did find the creature that will haunt my daydreams for minutes to come.

Let’s try ‘assaulted by jellybeans’ next.

Oh hey, a search term in which I come up first in both standard and image search. I am the Search Engine Optimization King!

So I was rooting through the YouTube account of my favourite singer one day and came across this. This totally has nothing to do with anything else she’s ever done and I love it:

While we’re on the perils of bees:

So right now I have this temporary assignment in a windowless office in the bottom of a business mall. For the most part it doesn’t bother me, but I do miss the entertainment of motor vehicle accidents right outside my office.

When some people write whatever is on their mind without any flow or editing it’s called a stream of consciousness style of writing. But when I do it people call it word vomit, and this just makes me sick.

With that said I gotta make like a tree and stand perfectly still for like a hundred years. Until next time! ❤

If my body is a temple then I’m a terrible God.

Seriously. I just ate a reheated taco, two chocolate swiss rolls and half a thing of extra fatty vanilla egg nog for no reason. My right eyelid is twitching. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Apparently such food will clog your arteries and stuff? That’s taking room away from all of my (potential) worshipers!

Or maybe the body is a temple that is meant to be observed and worshiped externally. That’s weird. I mean, I’m not super unattractive or anything but I’m no . . . Uh . . . Van Diesel or anything. I also have a moderate amount of body hair and my girlfriend tells me it looks like I have a hair backpack.

The idea of my body being a temple is also foreign to me. For one, I don’t believe in any sort of theistic beliefs. Regarding the more non-theistic belief systems . . . I don’t feel like I’m wise enough to be comfortable knowing that somebody is devoting their willpower to my teachings. Frig, I spend my spare time drawing bees in MS Paint!

I suppose I could take the statement at its intended (modern) meaning. The specific wording is still a bit off to me though. With regards to an actual temple the person who owns the building doesn’t really expend any more effort into its upkeep than the owner of any other high-class building. The devotees of a temple may help financially but that doesn’t really seem to apply when a person starts taking care of their own body. Unless people wanna donate money to get me healthy? I know I’d eat much better if I was given free healthy/tasty food all the time, and I wouldn’t mind having my gym membership paid for by others as well.

In the end, I should probably stop worrying about the inaccuracies of old analogies and hit up the gym or something.

Minimalism!