So I saw a request for Steam gifts (PC games for the uninitiated) in exchange for commissions.
A’ight.
So I sent her a copy of a game that I frequently buy for people in the hopes that they’ll play it. It had just gone on sale so the timing was perfect. The response was glorious (Courtesy of https://twitter.com/Codemakura).
First, an recreation of an older BlazBlue meme:
Followed by a revealing of something I never noticed about my main:
And then, a poorly drawn bee (finally ha ha):
Not content just to watch, another friend of mine joined in:
So I’m trying to play some Tekken online with some friends the other night but my PS3 was all like “I ain’t reading your cable buddy-guy!” to which I responded “Why not and since when could you talk?”. Turns out it didn’t feel like having anything plugged into it that night so I had to play wireless but Tekken Tag Tournment 2 has slick netcode so nobody was any the wiser.
Then the next day I tried to play some Street Fighter X Tekken online because the big patch is here and I have to pretend I didn’t openly despise the game all this time for at least a couple months. My PS3 finally consented to taking the cord, but the experience was . . . Jarring to say the least. The visuals would show a hit that was actually a block, people were randomly teleporting halfway across the screen instead of jumping . . . I don’t what game this was but it wasn’t the one I signed up for!
So I hit up Skype and talked to buddy I was playing online with the other night about how I should make amends to my internet. He suggested poetry and flowers.
. . . Genius!
It took me a week to make the arrangements but I knew it would be worth it. Then the time came on a quiet Friday evening. After laying a bouquet of several dozen roses onto the modem I brought in a local barbershop quartet to sing this poem:
“Oh baby/
You’re so fine.
Now please let me/
Go online!”
Just in case that wasn’t classy enough, I also paid them to sing this haiku:
“Oh you, internet.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please
Work for me now? Please?”
My significant other questioned how I could afford all of this, especially since I told her I was too broke to do much for Valentine’s Day. To which I told her that maybe I would pay more attention to her if she did stuff like this:
(Don’t read too much into that one, okay?)
I’d give credit, but she put her name and the inspiration right there! Plus one for my laziness! But seriously, thanks Ting Ting, you rock! :3
I was monitoring my monitor looking for miniature Minotaurs to go on a mini-tour through Ecuador. As both bodyguards and storytellers they simply can’t be beat. After about 17 hours of fruitlessly staring at my screen I decided that the whole thing was a waste of time. Partially because I’m not actually going on any sort of tour, but mostly because Minotaurs don’t exist anyway.
Shutting off my computer, I decided to lay down on my carpet. Sometimes you just gotta lay on the floor, you know what I mean? If you don’t understand then I don’t know what to say. Anyhoo . . . My eyelids began to feel heavy, the lack of sleep finally beginning to catch up with me.
Not knowing how long I had dozed off for, I awoke gently. Unfortunately that was the last gentle moment that I would ever experience.
Ever get that feeling where you stick to a chair after sitting on it in your underwear/while nude for so long? I was getting that feeling from carpet. I tried to get up but couldn’t move. I looked over and was horrified to see that I was quickly being swallowed up by the carpet.
Before I knew it I was one with the carpet. Or to be more accurate, one within the carpet. It was odd. The mass of carpet grew around me as I remained in the center. I didn’t understand what was happening, nor did I have any way of knowing just how far and how fast this mass of carpet was growing. It was like my own little world. But isn’t wasn’t a very nice world. I was still completely stuck. I guess coffin would be a better word for it? Yeah, let’s go with coffin.
For some reason I felt like I had gone through this many times before. I simply closed my eyes and accepted my impending death. My living room floor is my home now, and layers of dirt that vacuum cleaners miss are the only things I know. The last thing I felt before passing out from a lack of air was a rather fuzzy feeling.
After many, many years of refining my latent psychic abilities I finally had a breakthrough. One day while I was extremely irritated a strange feeling permeated along the inner surface of my closed fist. This was exciting! I was very excited that this was happening!
Opening my right hand I found . . . Some Corn Flakes? Just then I felt a different sensation in my other hand. Opening that hand revealed a tiny immaculate Rice Krispie square. Placing both handfuls of food on the table in front of me I pondered and paced for hours trying to determine why I got the foods that I did from doing this.
Over the course of about a month or so I came to realize that strong emotions could be transmuted into physical foods with each emotion resulting in a different food. Experimenting on feeding various people without any side effects, it was decided that this ability could easily be used to help people in a discreet manner.
After planning out my next day off, I made sure to deprive myself of sleep to wake up in a terrible mood. My irritation filled boxes of cereal which I discreetly sealed and put into Corn Flake boxes that I had lying around which were opened and resealed from the bottom. I sat down at the computer and calmed down for awhile with some hot chocolate. Once I was relaxed enough I began to pull out bananas from the side of my closed hand like so many magician handkerchiefs.
As my memory is bad enough that I could hide my own Easter eggs I managed to leave some Lego pieces on the floor in the bathroom. In my anger I managed to focus that rage into several bags of carrots. Finally having enough food to fill a large bag I excitedly produced a couple of Rice Krispie squares for myself (I’m not sure how to donate those in a way that isn’t sketchy yet.) I made my way to the local food bank and made a rather large donation.
Someday I’m going to share this secret in the world. It’ll probably be a self-published eBook or something though. I’m assuming it’ll be hard for me to get a publisher to back me up on this. In the meantime try to support your local food bank through more traditional means!
This took more time than I’d care to admit. And what’s with that ‘Y’?
ARE YOU NOT FEELING ENOUGH POWER LATELY? DO YOU FIND THAT EVEN IF YOU YELL THAT YOU’RE FREE NOW AND RIP OPEN YOUR SHIRT YOU’RE STILL NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO EXPLODE AN ANGRY BULL INTO A SHOWER OF CONFETTI WITH A SINGLE POKE OF YOUR FINGER?
DON’T LISTEN TO THE OTHER ADS. THEY’RE ALL FAKES MADE BY COMEDY TROUPES DESIGNED TO GET SOME OF THAT SWEET, SWEET YOUTUBE MONEY. THESE SECRET EXERCISES THAT I AM ABOUT TO SHARE WITH YOU WILL POWER YOU UP SO QUICKLY IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU JUST TOOK SOME SORT OF DRUG. BUT YOU DIDN’T! THIS IS NOT ONLY STREET LEGAL BUT ALSO LEGIT ENOUGH FOR THE STREETS HOMESLICE!
FIRST YOU TAKE YOUR PRIMARY HAND AND BALL IT UP INTO A FIST. THEN YOU TENSE UP THAT FUCKER AND YOU TENSE IT UP REAL GOOD UNTIL YOUR WHOLE ARM IS SHAKING. ONCE YOU FEEL THE POWER (I CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE BUT TRUST ME YOU WILL KNOW) THEN YOU MUST MAKE YOUR WAY INSIDE THE NEAREST BUILDING YOU DO NOT CARE FOR AND DESTROY ONE OF THE WALLS WITH A SINGLE PUNCH. JUST TO BE SURE GO AND PUNCH THE OTHER WALLS IN THE BUILDING, AND AS THE CEILING COLLAPSES ON YOU PUNCH UPWARDS TO DESTROY THAT TOO. OKAY, MAYBE THIS MAKES THE WHOLE THING A LITTLE LESS THAN STREET LEGAL BUT WHO’S KEEPING SCORE AM I RIGHT?
WHAT, YOU THINK THAT’S CRAZY? YOU SEE, I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE SEEING THAT YOU WERE CLEARLY BORN YESTERDAY BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN’T HAVE THE GALL TO QUESTION ME CHILLLLLLLLLLDREN! THAT’S RIGHT, TIME TO CHANNEL SOME THREE DOG UP IN THIS INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE!
WITH YOUR NEWLY FOUND POWER YOU MAY FEEL THE URGE TO PUNCH EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. DON’T. YOU NEED A HOME TO GO BACK TO EVENTUALLY. ALSO DESTROYING THE HOMES AND LIVES OF OTHERS IS GENERALLY CONSIDERED RUDE. YOU MUST USE THIS POWER FOR GOOD, AND YOU HAVE SUCH LITTLE TIME TO DO SO.
HAVING TROUBLE DETERMINING WHAT IS GOOD? I CANNOT ANSWER A QUESTION THAT MAN HAS STRUGGLED WITH SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. BUT I THINK FINAL FANTASY 6’S SABIN MAY HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING HERE SINCE GHOST TRAINS ARE KIND OF SCARY:
A REASONABLE SUGGESTION FROM A REASONABLE MAN.
HOPEFULLY THIS WILL HELP. IF NOT I WILL NEED TO INSTRUCT YOU IN PERSON. I MAY NEED HELP WITH TRANSPORTATION IF YOU LIVE REALLY FAR AWAY THOUGH AND FOR THAT I AM SORRY.
– A paper mache statue created with printings of posts from this blog.
– A premade Halloween costume of the Queen.
– Art.
– Husks of corn.
– Very large life jackets, but not the people wearing them.
– Come to think of it, suplexing an inflatable raft sounds like it would be
pretty fun.
– A suitcase full of whatever it is that you cherish the most. I feel like most
people don’t cherish bricks or anything like that. If you cherish bricks more
than anything else you’re kind of weird. Call me. ❤
– Guitars. Especially if it’s a solo guitar during a solo performer’s solo. Not
to be confused with silos of any kind.
– That tower you spent the last couple of hours making with Legos? Oh ho ho ho
yessssssssssssssss.
– Trees. Well, small ones that aren’t really dug in that deep and haven’t taken
root yet. But it’s not as impressive when you point that out.
– Stop signs. Could you help me with taking them out of the ground first?
– A rolled up poster-sized drawing of the band Queen posing with the Queen.
*Whew* This writing thing can be tough sometimes. A mug of hot chocolate always helps though. I’ll just take another sip . . . Wait, why is my lip stuck? I tug on the mug to no avail.
Then the hot chocolate began to slurp me. The slurper has become the slurped? Confusion from having my lip being sucked in turned into horror as my head was thrust into the mug. Nothing in my body felt broken though as far as I could tell. Was I being shrunk somehow as well?
The next thing I knew I was trapped inside of the hot chocolate itself. Upon realizing this I hear my girlfriend coming back from work. I yelled and screamed as much as possible but all I heard was a disappointed “Why did he leave half a mug of hot chocolate sitting around?” as she dumped it into the sink.
Moving through the drainage, the hot chocolate held together quite well. It held me together the whole time. No. That’s not it. I was fusing with the hot chocolate. I had become one with the corn syrup, the corn syrup had become one with me.
Surviving the waste treatment facility I (We?) had made it to the harbour. My high internal heat had caused me to evaporate at an alarming rate. I was only held in a cloud for mere hours before pouring down onto an office building in downtown Halifax.
All this talk about uploading one’s consciousnesses to a computer/robot has me thinking about the consequences of such an action.
If the sum of all our thoughts and experiences were put into a machine it would likely be one that could not feel any sort of physical feeling, right? Or at least one that could not feel pain? But if our memories were stored as well then how would that affect memories of things that involved pain? Would they still be perceived in the same way or would the lack of ability to feel such pain affect our ability to recall those memories? I figure memories wouldn’t degrade in such a scenario since there’s a digital backup of them instead of relying on our organic brains that are subject to various forms of decay.
When it comes to forming new memories would the new method of being able to interact with things physically in turn alter our memories that involved similar activities in the past? I suppose an easy way to answer this question would be to ask somebody who has experienced a physical disability later in their life. I’m not sure how I would go about that though.
Speaking of uploading one’s thoughts I was reminded at work yesterday that Twitter is a thing. I should take another look at that site and see what that’s all about.
***
A friend of mine sent me this without context. I can only assume it’s a trashed prop or something? Thanks all the same Ian!
So most of you have likely used a modern smart phone or tablet at some point and controlled something by swiping the screen. Although it can be a hindrance at times every once in a while you use an app or a game that utilizes the function well. Which got me wondering as to how excellent such a thing would be if it worked in the real world.
At first the only application of such an ability would be for fun. It’d be a blast to be able to do things that include running your finger across a tree to fling it aside and the like. One would also have to be extremely careful about using it or petting a cat could go in a very bad direction quite quickly. With that said it could have some beneficial uses as well.
Walls would no longer be a problem as long as you pay attention to what you’re doing. Putting two fingers together, swiping both fingers outward and walking into a room would make for a quick entrance into anything. Just make sure to close your newly created door behind you. Household chores would be less tedious as well when you don’t have to actually exert any real effort.
Being able to shrink things by putting a finger on opposite corners and swiping inwards would be fantastic! You could order a huge poutine and shrink it down into a bite-sized heart attack as opposed to a full-sized one. On the flip side you could make food larger and solve world hunger with the reverse motion.
I wonder if there’s a super hero in print with such an ability yet . . .
***
Bradley of http://bwhartwork.com generously sent me a couple of pictures that his two children drew. For the record these are probably two of the better drawings I’ve put up on this site so far ha ha.
Poorly Drawn Bees 