I had totally forgotten a title until after I published. Whelp!

It started off as an otherwise peaceful night. I was sound asleep on a normal Friday evening. Why I awoke I’ll never know but I felt a strong need to get some water.

Meandering my way to the living room the unusually clear sky caught my attention. Nothing stood out at first. Could almost see some stars through the light pollution of the city and there was a half moon. All of a sudden a shooting star flew across the sky. Or . . . I thought it was a shooting star but it struck the earth nearby with a bright flash? That’s not how stars work right? I couldn’t believe my eyes and it bothered me.

After thinking about it for a few I decided to investigate. Carefully getting dressed and leaving without waking my fiancée I snuck out of the apartment, flashlight in hand. It was oddly easy to find the spot. It was even more odd that I was the only one there what with all the glowing and all.

The source of the glowing was in the middle of a small pond. I got down on my hands and needs. Shining my flashlight into the water a fish the size of an adult trout swam over to me. Something was off though. Was that . . . Was that a hand? Like a human hand? On a fish?

The fish quizzically looked me over for a minute. Then it took its hand and . . . Formed an ‘L’ shape with its finger and thumb in the middle of its forehead. Its mouth opened as it began to vocalize:

“HEY NOW, YOU’RE AN ALL STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON GO PLAY.
HEY NOW, YOU’RE A RO . . . ”

I learned two things as a result of that moment.

1: I’m surprisingly good at beating a fish over the head with my walking stick.
2: Mystical singing space fish is surprisingly delicious.

bee

“Draw me like one of your jilted lovers.”
“Uh, I only do pixel art and I ain’t that great to be honest.”
“Did I fucking stutter?”
“Well, okay. But this is still an odd thing to be asked of by an insect or whatever you are.”

 

My Pokemon story.

Even as I sat on the bus en route to his place the phone call still repeated itself constantly in my mind. It was a short call that consisted entirely of him calling me and stating that he had a real life Farfetch’d that I should come over to his house to see before he hung up. Had he finally gone mad? I think that was the thing I was most curious about.

I guess his story was a bit . . . Farfetch'd. Because nobody has ever made that joke before.

I guess his story was a bit . . . Farfetch’d. Because nobody has ever made that joke before.

Exiting the bus and making my way up the sidewalk he burst out of his front door with the excitement of a small child who had just gotten a video game system for Christmas despite the fact that his parents really couldn’t afford it. As he told me that he had been awaiting this day for his entire life my friend led me upstairs to his bedroom.

What awaited me was . . . Unexpected. A dead Mallard duck was propped up against a bookend with a leek shoved in its beak. After taking what must have been at least a solid minute or so I looked at this man whom I considered a friend and consciously blinked several times in an attempt to request an explanation without having to go through the awkwardness of actually asking.

“Isn’t it awesome!? I just found her lying on the side of the river by the elementary school just past the strip mall. Her name is Jet Leek. She’s too proud to live in a Poké Ball as you can see.”

Looking back at the duck it was then that I finally became aware of the smell. Thinking carefully about how to point out the obvious in a tactful manner I gave up and blatantly stated “I think it’s rotting dude.”.

“Nah, I haven’t had a chance to get her in the bath yet.”

At this point I had completely nothing. Nothing. Out of politeness and value for our friendship I congratulated him on his find and made up an excuse about running late for something. On the bus heading home I kept trying to process what had just happened. After a while I started to wonder why I was surprised.

After all, that’s like the fourth time he’s done that this year.

Someone bought this for me recently. This is my weapon for the zombie apocalypse.

Someone bought this for me recently. This is my weapon for the zombie apocalypse.

Sitting down with a mug of hot chocolate, I begin to type out my heart.

*Whew* This writing thing can be tough sometimes. A mug of hot chocolate always helps though. I’ll just take another sip . . . Wait, why is my lip stuck? I tug on the mug to no avail.

Then the hot chocolate began to slurp me. The slurper has become the slurped? Confusion from having my lip being sucked in turned into horror as my head was thrust into the mug. Nothing in my body felt broken though as far as I could tell. Was I being shrunk somehow as well?

The next thing I knew I was trapped inside of the hot chocolate itself. Upon realizing this I hear my girlfriend coming back from work. I yelled and screamed as much as possible but all I heard was a disappointed “Why did he leave half a mug of hot chocolate sitting around?” as she dumped it into the sink.

Moving through the drainage, the hot chocolate held together quite well. It held me together the whole time. No. That’s not it. I was fusing with the hot chocolate. I had become one with the corn syrup, the corn syrup had become one with me.

Surviving the waste treatment facility I (We?) had made it to the harbour. My high internal heat had caused me to evaporate at an alarming rate. I was only held in a cloud for mere hours before pouring down onto an office building in downtown Halifax.

Despite all of this I already knew what I had to do next. After all, it’s not ever day that you get to torment yourself in the third person.

I don’t really write about bees that often now that I think about it.

There were no items in the room, save for a picture of a fox on the wall. This was clearly the final destination for an individual suffering from some sort of psychological melee with exactly 26 personalities, with a few of them being similar to each other. I know because this was carved into the door, which was brown in both colour and diameter. I guess this is what happens when your best friend is a green T-Rex who stomps on the same log house every day for years on end and often has private talks with God.

Right. I should probably start from the beginning and stuff. You see, one day I was trying to catch a bee. I wanted to remove its stinger and rub the bee between two fingers out of curiosity. However, the bee ate me. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention . . . this bee was as large as a student loan and almost half as dangerous.

So anyway, I’m inside this bee. Except this bee is apparently made of furnished condos and billy goats. One of the condos was labelled with the name ‘Billy’. He seemed important, so I took a billy goat and used the billy goat as a billy club on Billy’s door to try and bully Billy into helping me.

The door opened and I was greeted by an utahraptor. He beckoned me in and I followed, for I was already eaten once today. He led me to his bedroom with a promise of gingerbread men and classic literature. I was led into the room I mentioned before. He left to grab the latest issue of Popular Mechanics. This is when I got bored and noticed everything I mentioned beforehand. Since I was bored, I left the condo and then left the bee via blood cell surfing after which I went home.

***

The following was drawn by my former roommate and current friend Ansel. Yes, that is the best way I could’ve worded it in my mind.

I’m being assaulted by jelly beans.

I’m strapped to a chair. I have lost the will to fight anymore. Deprived of food, water, sleep and any form of entertainment or interaction with any living creature, I was no longer able to fend them off. I barely came to, and now I have no idea what will happen next.

That’s when the torture began. The jelly beans slowly marched into the room through a tiny rat hole, one by one. They ambled over to me and began to chew at my ankles, savoring my many flavors. Or single flavor. I never chewed on my ankles before, so I’m not sure. I was too weak to stop them.

That’s when I realized something. JELLY BEANS ARE FOOD! I AM SO STUPID!

I feigned strength, hoping that I could hold on long enough for my plan to work. I pretended that they were not hurting me. They began to travel all over my body, searcing for my weak point. When one crawled into my mouth and had a nibble, I screamed my best painful scream. Anxious to finish me off, they all crawled into my mouth. However, before they ate my tounge, I DECIDED TO EAT THEM INSTEAD! YUMMY AND FREEDOM ARE AWESOME!

I waited for my surge of power that would see me break through my bonds and rip everything in half. Then I realized that jelly beans are bad for me. Then I realized that the only thing that was holding me to the chair was a seat belt. So I undid it and walked out the front door. If only I realized my intellectual advantage over the jelly beans sooner, this never would’ve happened.

***

The following picture was drawn by my good friend Real. I debated putting this up since it’s not really poorly drawn ha ha.

Worse than a hair sweater.

Nothing looked odd at first whilst I was looking at myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. But after I looked down to spit and looked back up it seemed that my hair was . . . Fuller? A little thicker . . . Maybe a bit longer? It was morning, maybe I’m tired, I dunno. I started a new temporary contract yesterday and couldn’t afford to be late so I didn’t think to much about it and went on my way.

As I was walking down the street my hat came off of my head. I picked it up off the ground and put it back on, noting that it appeared to be fitting a little more tightly than usual. Again, I assumed I was just tired and continued on to work.

Arriving at the office I could no longer shake off the odd feeling I had in my head. Having shown up a few minutes early I went to check things out in the bathroom. By this point my hair had already become shoulder length. Shoulder length and still excessively curly. Something was up. Way up.

Just as I realized that something was wrong my hair starting growing so fast that within seconds the tiny room was filled with hair. From there it only began to grow more quickly and thickly. Just as I was about to choke from lack of air/excess of hair the force of the hair made the room burst open. This in turn led to the destruction of the building and the vast amount of hair caused me to propel to the air. I continued to be moved upward by the increasing mass of hair below me until I entered space. As this point the planet was already off its orbit but since it was becoming covered in hair as well I assumed that pretty much meant the end of everything on Earth.

As I traveled in an unknown direction in space hair began to grow out of every part of my body. Different masses of hair attached themselves to different planets, moons and other assorted space matter. Somehow things were about to get worse. Worse as in all of the planets fought back by absorbing and retracting the hair at the same time. This in turn caused my body to be slowly ripped apart into thousands of little pieces.

Space is my home now, and hair is the only things I know. As my body is spread out throughout the universe I eventually black out from the pain. The last thing I saw was an asteroid made entirely out of hair coming straight for my forehead.

I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains.

Food art kind of isn't my thing.

I did it!

After six stifling months of a dreaded temporary assignment I fled from the building after my last shift. Freedom! It’s here! I can do whatever I want for the next ten days until the next one starts! The only problem is that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my time.

There was only one way to find out. I ran to the top of the nearest cliff. With one foot on a rock and the other on the ground, I struck a pose as the wind began to blow through my hair. The sky was ablaze with the wonderful sunset, and just as I have learned from video games, lines of text depicting my future began to scroll from from the horizon.

“As our hero finds his freedom,
An infinite chasm of choices await.”

Oh jeez, it’s going to do the whole setting up the story thing. Let’s get on with it already!

“Within time he will learn his destiny,
But that is not the only thing he will learn.”

Man, who writes garbage like this. Seriously?

“A man who will become aware of his true flaws,
Will become a man who blames others no more.
The very thing he has feared the most,
Is the very thing he will be the cause of.”

A little redundant, but now I’m scared.

“A struggle to find meaning in his spare time,
Will be the most meaningless struggle of all.
Because given ten minutes or ten days,
He will simply sit there online and look at stupid pictures anyway.

You know what? Screw you mystical text in the sky. My time off is going to be awesome! Just you wait and see.