Okey! So instead of forcing myself to write three times a week and producing stories that I’m not satisfied with, I’m going to begin writing only one story a week and then casually posting whatever bits of silliness whenever I feel like. Not sure when that day of the week will be yet, but in the meantime have a shiny Facebook cover photo! Click here or the image to get the correct size.
Tag Archives: stories
The Selah touch.
It was like having the Midas touch. Except instead of having everything I touch turn to gold everything I touched turned to squirrels. Thankfully this allowed me to eat unlike the previously mentioned curse, but man does eating raw squirrel get real old real fast.
It was something I discovered at work the other day. Not sure exactly how or when it happened but I was typing as usual and suddenly the keys began to turn into tiny squirrels and run away. It’s hard to type when your keys run into the desk drawers and the walls. I started to get up from my chair by firmly placing my hands on the arm rests which in turn made the chair transform into a giant squirrel. Angry squirrels are not comfortable seats and are more than capable of running through doors. As in the smash, bash and crash kind of running through doors.
Having so much destruction caused so quickly by my actions (As indirect as they may be.) caused me panic. I needed to get out of there before anyone knew I was involved and I had mere seconds to do something. So I knelt down and slammed my hands on the floor. The floor turned into squirrels and I feel though to the next floor down. I continued to do this for each floor. I had to be careful for the first couple floors but after that the squirrels started to cushion my fall although they made actually touching each consecutive floor more difficult. Eventually I made it to the ground floor and by this point everything was such a mess of destruction and squirrels that I managed to flee unnoticed. It didn’t appear that anybody else was hurt but I had no time to confirm that.
I made my way home while being extremely careful not to touch anything with my bare skin. Thankfully I had forgotten to lock my apartment door that morning. Admittedly I couldn’t help but pet a cat on the way home while nobody was looking just to watch it change from a cat to a squirrel by my hand. It was weird. Poor cat.
As I became hungry I knew I was in a dire situation. Other than the clothes I already had on I couldn’t touch anything without it running away, including gloves. Seeing a box of cereal I reach out to touch the box. It transforms and runs away. The bag does the same. Taking a deep sigh I quickly toss a piece of the loose cereal in my mouth.
It was the most terrible thing I had ever ate, both in taste and in emotion. But I needed to eat. So I continued until I had eaten just enough to take care of my hunger. Are these really animals with real lives that I’m eating? I had no way of knowing.
Unsure of where to go from here I went out to sit on my balcony. Taking great care not to touch anything with my bare skin I slumped down with my back against the building. My head fell back as I looked up at the tree branches above me and sighed the most defeated sign a person could produce.
A squirrel came down onto the balcony, resting within my reach. I started to wonder what would happen if I were to touch it. It’s already a squirrel, where could things possibly go from here? Would it become . . . Another squirrel? That wouldn’t even make sense. Not that any of this made sense to begin with.
Slowly I reached toward the squirrel. Thankfully it hadn’t noticed me. I gently poked it with my finger . . .
. . . AND THE SQUIRREL EXPLODED! I SCREAMED AS THE SITUATION CALLED FOR IT!
Then the tree exploded, followed by the other buildings, the balcony, the building I lived in, the ground . . . You get the idea. Finally I exploded. Painlessly thankfully.
Space is my home now, and squirrels are the only things I know. As my body is spread out throughout the universe I eventually black out from the pain. The last thing I saw was an asteroid breaking apart a squirrel.
I wake up in a grassy field. And only the panda suit remains.
No story today, only a picture.
Hi everyone, I don’t have any stories today. I do have a picture of a bee for you though. Well, okay. Not quite a picture. But if a picture is worth a thousand words than surely describing a bee in detail is as good as a picture, right? Here we go *deep breath*:
So there is this amazing bee that I knew once upon a time. This bee was smaller than the pinhead of a needle but yet had the personality that could light up the whole room, even if that room was the most gloom tomb that ever did get exhumed. The bee had a name but it was rather lame so it doesn’t matter all the same. But in case you’re curious it’s quite frankly Frank.
Now this bee has quite the backstory behind it. This bee invented the tree for example. The world used to be a vapid void of nothingness with no colour and none of the air for the animals to breath. So this bee sat down one day in its little thinking hole and thought of an invention that could create oxygen while being at least partially solar powered. This bee is crazy smart in case you haven’t noticed.
Frank is a very avid fencer. He loves to build fences. Despite his microscopic size he builds fences larger than the Great Wall of China and tears them down completely from existence/time on a regular basis. It is an odd hobby, but it’s one that gets Frank through the work week. Frank is a very busy bee, about as busy as a be can possibly be as I believe it to be.
This bee has lived everywhere, and boy I mean everywhere! Just look at anything you can think of that exists. In your home, outside, random alleyways, whatever. He has lived in that for at least 14 milliseconds at some point in history. Even the parts of history that he has relived multiple times while living in different places each time. Intergalactic time-traveling nomad is a title that doesn’t even come close to describing the craziness that is Frank.
Did I say intergalactic? You bet I did! Frank’s been all over the place. I know because he has shown me a tiny suitcase with stickers from Jupiter on it and everything. He even has this adorable little bee spacesuit. I’m also amazed that he can carry a suitcase that would be considered large for a human but again this is the bee that invented the tree you see.
Frank’s favourite movie is not a human movie, but rather a documentary about movies that he made himself. Narcissistic? Very much so. But I’ve watched part of this movie and he covers /everything/. Even that time last Thursday evening when you were brushing your teeth.
Frank is your biggest fan. No matter where you are in life or what troubles you may face Frank will always think of you. Except for when you are thinking of him. For some reason the two of you may never think about each other at the same time. It makes him very uneasy and prone to sadness.
In the past he has been known to purposefully place a bet on the losing team during the Super Bowl just to make someone feel better about themselves. You know that situation where someone needs money but they’re too proud to accept any help? Frank knows what’s up. If he doesn’t have the money on hand he’ll go out and earn some just for the sake of making the losing bet.
Not believing in the concept of personal possessions Frank does not own very much. Although he does own enough stuff that I believe he may have been pulling my leg when he told me that one. Having the skills that he has makes him extremely wealthy so he always gets what he needs in exchange for a considerable donation. Ever wonder how a movie studio stays in business after a string of terrible movies? How a writer continues to find a way to publish without selling any books? This is why.
Although he does not believe in personal possessions he has not problem possessing persons quite frequently. But the only thing he ever does when he possesses a person is to make them forget that thing they were going to do after they walked into another room. Frank spend a rather unhealthy amount of time doing this although I’m not sure if there’s really any such thing as a healthy amount of time to spend on this activity.
Frank’s favourite superhero is the Hulk. He doesn’t view the Hulk as a person who becomes a monster when he’s angry but rather as a monster who becomes a rational person after working out his issues. Frank likes to consume a lot of media backwards. He finds Twilight empowering because he read it as a story about a woman who cures her own vampirism, leaves an abusive relationship and distances herself from the antagonist.
Musically Frank admittedly isn’t very diverse. His donated Zune mp3 player contains only music of the Calypso genre. Thousands of the greatest Calypso hits in fact which struck me as a surprise because I wasn’t even aware it had a large enough scene to produce that many songs in the first place.
Clothing is something that plays a rather large role in Frank’s life. I’m not sure why. First of all he’s a bee and second of all he’s so small that you couldn’t see any of his clothing anyway. But he invented trees and I just sit around playing video games all day so what do I know right? I suppose maybe it has something to do with his background in film may have something to do with it. At any rate any picture that Frank has him wearing a different outfit. But you can’t see him anyway so . . . As long as he amuses himself I guess.
Well, there is an artist’s rendition of Frank that someone commissioned once so that something could potentially be shown to the curious at some point. I know I said I was only going to provide a descriptive picture delivered through words but you know what? I love you guys. Below is an enlarged picture of Frank being drawn like a naive French girl.