I had totally forgotten a title until after I published. Whelp!

It started off as an otherwise peaceful night. I was sound asleep on a normal Friday evening. Why I awoke I’ll never know but I felt a strong need to get some water.

Meandering my way to the living room the unusually clear sky caught my attention. Nothing stood out at first. Could almost see some stars through the light pollution of the city and there was a half moon. All of a sudden a shooting star flew across the sky. Or . . . I thought it was a shooting star but it struck the earth nearby with a bright flash? That’s not how stars work right? I couldn’t believe my eyes and it bothered me.

After thinking about it for a few I decided to investigate. Carefully getting dressed and leaving without waking my fiancée I snuck out of the apartment, flashlight in hand. It was oddly easy to find the spot. It was even more odd that I was the only one there what with all the glowing and all.

The source of the glowing was in the middle of a small pond. I got down on my hands and needs. Shining my flashlight into the water a fish the size of an adult trout swam over to me. Something was off though. Was that . . . Was that a hand? Like a human hand? On a fish?

The fish quizzically looked me over for a minute. Then it took its hand and . . . Formed an ‘L’ shape with its finger and thumb in the middle of its forehead. Its mouth opened as it began to vocalize:

“HEY NOW, YOU’RE AN ALL STAR, GET YOUR GAME ON GO PLAY.
HEY NOW, YOU’RE A RO . . . ”

I learned two things as a result of that moment.

1: I’m surprisingly good at beating a fish over the head with my walking stick.
2: Mystical singing space fish is surprisingly delicious.

bee

“Draw me like one of your jilted lovers.”
“Uh, I only do pixel art and I ain’t that great to be honest.”
“Did I fucking stutter?”
“Well, okay. But this is still an odd thing to be asked of by an insect or whatever you are.”

 

Advertisements

It rained today.

I had been up since 5:30, awoken by the sound of the rain. The sounds of the water falling against my window served as a reminder of many details of my past.

Memories included the time that my classmates were chosen by two team captains to play some kickball, but since there were an odd number of students I was the odd one out and as such I was the one who had to run out into traffic to get the ball, and sometimes to do so when there was no ball.

Or the time I drank some odd looking apple juice out of a clear container in my dad’s fridge when I was eleven. It was actually beer, and I became a raging alcoholic until I sobered up thanks to AA at the age of fourteen. Twelve years sober and counting!

A few years ago I had some issues and went to what I thought was a registered psychologist. Turns out she was actually a reverse psychologist. I told her about how stressed out I was, she agreed with me and I immediately got better.

It had reminded me of the time that, with the aid of a panda, I had massaged the soil of a potted plant until the plant shrunk and I grew a copy of myself large enough to consume the entire planet. 

Lastly I thought about the time I had watched in despair, soaking wet, as a cat ran over my bike. Well, okay. The cat was technically a lion and I guess I should be thankful I escaped with my life but that bike was of a perfect color and I didn’t know where to buy the paint to repaint it!

In short, it reminded me of simpler times . . .

If the US government can't be bothered to keep operating, then I can't be bothered to color this all the way in.

If the US government can’t be bothered to keep operating, then I can’t be bothered to color this all the way in.

I know I’ve been sparse on the updates lately. It’s because of work!

I am a glass blower.

Let me tell you all about something that isn’t my daily job. I . . . I am a glass blower. But not in the way you may be accustomed to with the heat and the oh dog why am I on fire followed by the weeks in intensive care. No, no, no . . . I just find glass objects in the wild and blow on them.

Sometimes I like to find something that’s curved so that my breath will blow back into my face and I can close my eyes while pretending that I’m on a boat. Sometimes I just wanna feel the waves crash against the side of my boat, you know? Go on the seven seas looking for adventure and just find myself out in the open . . .

But enough of my infantile fantasies of being a pirate that I try to hide by omitting certain details like the robbing of cruise ships. Let’s get back to the glass blowing. Another thing that I like to do is find shards of glass from broken beer bottles and the like, crush them up in my hands and blow them out into a wind as they sparkle in the sunlight. This makes me think about how much I’d love to be some sort of magical being with the ability to blow magic dust on things to bring them to life and make them my friends.

I probably shouldn’t take this time to describe my secret desire to be a fairy though. Getting back on track here, I’ll often blow on glass buildings while I think about how it would be awesome to be able to have some sort of crazy powers that allow me to manipulate glass Magneto-style and . . .

Oh jeez, I can’t even get distracted from my job to talk about my fake job without being distracted from my fake job to talk about other fake jobs.

DSC_0235

A good bee is one that pays your phone bill!

 

I have an idea for my dream garden.

First I need a way to plant fingernails into the soil and grow a fingernail tree. Wait, come back! Please hear the rest of this before you reject my loan application!

So once the science of all of this is figured out I’ll have a garden of well-curated fingernail trees to share with the public. I’m hoping they’ll form in the shape of singular, 20+ feet fingernails. Admission will be free and I’ll let anybody have a nibble on ’em. It will be glorious. Not sure what I’ll do in the off-season though. flowpaper_1

‘Sup NSA?

So the list of keywords that the NSA is monitoring major social media sites for was released and can be found here. So the next logical step is to write a story involving as many of these words as possible which will be underlined. Turns out I’ve already hit one. Here we go!

A couple years ago I was at home on the computer when my roommate came in. With a wave he asked what I was up to. I told him I was drinking a Mudslide while playing a game and waiting for my pork to finish cooking with “Police Cops” by Myles Deck and the Fuzz on the record player. I lamented how earlier my drink had a leak and almost ruined my USB dock in an unfortunate incident. Thankfully that disaster was averted before I got an electric shock or something.

“So what game are you playing?”

“Well, it’s this new MMORPG that had a lot of delays to some malware and DDOS attacks, but I’m glad it’s finally out of the closed beta instead of being cancelled. Probably the first MMORPG I’ve played that wasn’t made by Blizzard.” He cocked an eyebrow. “So they had a number of breaches on their server? Are you sure you should be entrusting an info with a company that has such an cyber security problem regarding their infastructure?” I shrugged. “How can I turn down a game called ‘State of EmergencyDrug wars of the Mexicles Radicals‘? It takes place in some Metro area near the Mexico Border. Its version of the ‘Horde vs Alliance’ are the Law Enforcement Authorities and simply the ‘Gang‘. I rolled a Riot enforcer who started with some nice terror-inspiring SWAT gear.” “Neat! How’s the combat?” “Well, it’s all human-to-human so everyone looks kind of the same. It’s mostly balanced, but after a few shootouts using conventional weapons I feel like suicide bombers could use a nerf. They have a suicide attack that hits like a earthquake with all those explosions they always have. It causes so many deaths when used strategically.”

*Ding!*

“Oh hey, my swine is done! Anyway, as I was saying there’s this Agro Terror formation that my opponents were using . . . ” “Don’t you mean aggro?” “Did I say agro again? I’m a bit woozy. Anyhoo, there was just so much shooting that I can’t quite recall everything that happened during that gunfight, but before I knew it I was killed in like two minutes. It was frustrating. I like it overall. The violence is entertaining even if the plot is thin. So how was your day?”

My roommate sighed as he recounted his day. “I was at this restaurant for a meeting. I almost missed it due to the sleet and snow. Such extreme weather although you probably didn’t see it with your head in your monitor ha ha. Anyhoo I think I might have gotten food poisoning. Either that or I got some sort of infection. Or maybe I just have the flu. Hopefully that’s all it is, although it’s probably influenza or small pox somehow with my luck.” I laughed. “Or you’re bringing H1N1 back! Actually, apparently there’s a H5N1 now?” Rolling his eyes he continued on through my interruption. “Regardless, I’m sick, I failed to say anything smart during the meeting and on the way out I broke my watch on the doorframe.”

Needless to say I spent the rest of the evening making wild guesses at what virus he was carrying. I’m betting E.Coli myself.

d

Hey, look at those clouds!

 

The power of a shower.

I’ve always been somewhat amused that one of the things people generally do after being drenched during a downpour from a mixture of water from the rain and moisture from sweat is to go home and take a shower in more water. I mean, I understand why that’s necessary and all. I’m just amused.

Whelp, that’s all I had to say on that. I went to dailypost.wordpress.com and found this gem for today:

Daily Prompt: Places

Beach, mountain, forest, or somewhere else entirely?”

Is . . . I don’t even understand if that’s a question? Although if I was to spend an extensive amount of time traveling in any of those environments I guess I would need a shower afterwards.

You know what? I’m not done talking about showers yet.

I know I’ve touched on the misfortune of having frightening thoughts about spiders and stuff while you’re washing your face and you can’t open your eyes because you’ll get soap/shampoo in them so you’re just stuck with those thoughts for several seconds but . . . There are good thoughts that happen in the shower as well. The shower is the one place in the world that’s still internet/smartphone free, so it’s the one place in the world that everyone can just take a few minutes and have a thought. Or two on a good day. So until I get a waterproof cover for my phone I guess that’ll always be the best place for ideas.

Maybe I should’ve tried to write something after a shower because I clearly don’t have any clue on what I should be writing about right now.

My good friend Real drew this for me! Thanks man!

My good friend Real drew this for me! Thanks man!