My internet was acting up. But thankfully I had an answer!

So I’m trying to play some Tekken online with some friends the other night but my PS3 was all like “I ain’t reading your cable buddy-guy!” to which I responded “Why not and since when could you talk?”. Turns out it didn’t feel like having anything plugged into it that night so I had to play wireless but Tekken Tag Tournment 2 has slick netcode so nobody was any the wiser.

Then the next day I tried to play some Street Fighter X Tekken online because the big patch is here and I have to pretend I didn’t openly despise the game all this time for at least a couple months. My PS3 finally consented to taking the cord, but the experience was . . . Jarring to say the least. The visuals would show a hit that was actually a block, people were randomly teleporting halfway across the screen instead of jumping . . . I don’t what game this was but it wasn’t the one I signed up for!

So I hit up Skype and talked to buddy I was playing online with the other night about how I should make amends to my internet. He suggested poetry and flowers.

. . . Genius!

It took me a week to make the arrangements but I knew it would be worth it. Then the time came on a quiet Friday evening. After laying a bouquet of several dozen roses onto the modem I brought in a local barbershop quartet to sing this poem:

“Oh baby/
You’re so fine.
Now please let me/
Go online!”

Just in case that wasn’t classy enough, I also paid them to sing this haiku:

“Oh you, internet.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please
Work for me now? Please?”

My significant other questioned how I could afford all of this, especially since I told her I was too broke to do much for Valentine’s Day. To which I told her that maybe I would pay more attention to her if she did stuff like this:

(Don’t read too much into that one, okay?)

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I’d give credit, but she put her name and the inspiration right there! Plus one for my laziness!
But seriously, thanks Ting Ting, you rock! :3

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Swiping like a fox.

So most of you have likely used a modern smart phone or tablet at some point and controlled something by swiping the screen. Although it can be a hindrance at times every once in a while you use an app or a game that utilizes the function well. Which got me wondering as to how excellent such a thing would be if it worked in the real world.

At first the only application of such an ability would be for fun. It’d be a blast to be able to do things that include running your finger across a tree to fling it aside and the like. One would also have to be extremely careful about using it or petting a cat could go in a very bad direction quite quickly.  With that said it could have some beneficial uses as well.

Walls would no longer be a problem as long as you pay attention to what you’re doing. Putting two fingers together, swiping both fingers outward and walking into a room would make for a quick entrance into anything. Just make sure to close your newly created door behind you. Household chores would be less tedious as well when you don’t have to actually exert any real effort.

Being able to shrink things by putting a finger on opposite corners and swiping inwards would be fantastic! You could order a huge poutine and shrink it down into a bite-sized heart attack as opposed to a full-sized one. On the flip side you could make food larger and solve world hunger with the reverse motion.

I wonder if there’s a super hero in print with such an ability yet . . .

***

Bradley of http://bwhartwork.com generously sent me a couple of pictures that his two children drew. For the record these are probably two of the better drawings I’ve put up on this site so far ha ha.

Thanks again Bradley, you and your children rock!

I want in on this novelty alarm clock jazz.‏

Inventing something weird seems to be one of the easiest ways to quickly make a hundred grand I feel and there appears to be some sort of movement in the alarm clock industry. Here’s a list of alarm clocks I need to make and patent as soon as possible:

– A robotic cat that wakes you up way too early and meows until you feed it. That way people who are allergic to animals can enjoy one of the finest joys of life.

– An alarm clock inside a diamond case that you must deactivate using only telekinesis. Now, it’s been while since I had telekinesis for like two minutes right after being injected with morphine at the hospital but I’m pretty sure that; 1) It actually happened so shut up. 2) Listen, I’m not going to argue about this so just follow along and deal with it. 3) It takes a lot of mental exertion to use any such ability.

– Something that brews coffee that can be timed to have the coffee ready for the time you wake up. When your set time comes along your coffee is then dumped on your face. A real time saver!

– A special bed sheet that escapes from you, pretends to be a ghost and haunts you awake.

– Life-sized toy catcher machine claw. Need I say more?

– A device that produces a nutrient-deprived tree on the spot in the corner of your room while a fan turns on covering you with the smell and feel of fall. If this fails to wake you up peacefully the tree falls over onto you after 30 seconds.