Oh, hello there.

It was a rather ordinary day at work. Another day banging away at the keyboard to hack away fruitlessly at a constantly growing mountain of data to enter.

I heard a buzzing. Faint at first, it became louder and closer until it was like a bee in my ear. This made sense because there was a bee in my ear.

“Goddammit Frank. What do you want now?” I asked followed by an exasperated sigh through my nose.

“I need your help Tyler! I’m desperate!” This question was topped off by the visual of Frank buzzing around erratically a foot in front of my face while producing rainbow sparkles and all sorts of similar garbage.

“Alright, what can I help you with this time?”

“I really really really really need your help this time! I need your help so bad I don’t know what . . . “

“I already said I’d help, please stop.”

” . . . I don’t know what I’m going to do I’m freaking out whatever will I do I can’t deal with this please . . . “

“STOP!” I demanded. I was weary of this before it even began, words couldn’t describe how annoyed I was now. “What do you need?”

Frank took a deep breath. 

“I’m going to Olive Garden tonight and I’m not sure how much I should tip?”

Ho.

Ly.

Shit.

This was a complete waste of time. Like always. I buried my forehead in one hand and sighed again.

“I dunno. General rule of thumb is fifteen percent I guess. Adjust as needed.”

With an exuberant thanks Frank poofed away in a puff of smoke.

And that’s why this report was late. I absolutely swear that’s the case. Please don’t fire me.

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I am so good at Splatoon 2. Someday I’ll even play the game proper!

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I know I’ve been sparse on the updates lately. It’s because of work!

I am a glass blower.

Let me tell you all about something that isn’t my daily job. I . . . I am a glass blower. But not in the way you may be accustomed to with the heat and the oh dog why am I on fire followed by the weeks in intensive care. No, no, no . . . I just find glass objects in the wild and blow on them.

Sometimes I like to find something that’s curved so that my breath will blow back into my face and I can close my eyes while pretending that I’m on a boat. Sometimes I just wanna feel the waves crash against the side of my boat, you know? Go on the seven seas looking for adventure and just find myself out in the open . . .

But enough of my infantile fantasies of being a pirate that I try to hide by omitting certain details like the robbing of cruise ships. Let’s get back to the glass blowing. Another thing that I like to do is find shards of glass from broken beer bottles and the like, crush them up in my hands and blow them out into a wind as they sparkle in the sunlight. This makes me think about how much I’d love to be some sort of magical being with the ability to blow magic dust on things to bring them to life and make them my friends.

I probably shouldn’t take this time to describe my secret desire to be a fairy though. Getting back on track here, I’ll often blow on glass buildings while I think about how it would be awesome to be able to have some sort of crazy powers that allow me to manipulate glass Magneto-style and . . .

Oh jeez, I can’t even get distracted from my job to talk about my fake job without being distracted from my fake job to talk about other fake jobs.

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A good bee is one that pays your phone bill!