I have an idea for my dream garden.

First I need a way to plant fingernails into the soil and grow a fingernail tree. Wait, come back! Please hear the rest of this before you reject my loan application!

So once the science of all of this is figured out I’ll have a garden of well-curated fingernail trees to share with the public. I’m hoping they’ll form in the shape of singular, 20+ feet fingernails. Admission will be free and I’ll let anybody have a nibble on ’em. It will be glorious. Not sure what I’ll do in the off-season though. flowpaper_1

‘Sup NSA?

So the list of keywords that the NSA is monitoring major social media sites for was released and can be found here. So the next logical step is to write a story involving as many of these words as possible which will be underlined. Turns out I’ve already hit one. Here we go!

A couple years ago I was at home on the computer when my roommate came in. With a wave he asked what I was up to. I told him I was drinking a Mudslide while playing a game and waiting for my pork to finish cooking with “Police Cops” by Myles Deck and the Fuzz on the record player. I lamented how earlier my drink had a leak and almost ruined my USB dock in an unfortunate incident. Thankfully that disaster was averted before I got an electric shock or something.

“So what game are you playing?”

“Well, it’s this new MMORPG that had a lot of delays to some malware and DDOS attacks, but I’m glad it’s finally out of the closed beta instead of being cancelled. Probably the first MMORPG I’ve played that wasn’t made by Blizzard.” He cocked an eyebrow. “So they had a number of breaches on their server? Are you sure you should be entrusting an info with a company that has such an cyber security problem regarding their infastructure?” I shrugged. “How can I turn down a game called ‘State of EmergencyDrug wars of the Mexicles Radicals‘? It takes place in some Metro area near the Mexico Border. Its version of the ‘Horde vs Alliance’ are the Law Enforcement Authorities and simply the ‘Gang‘. I rolled a Riot enforcer who started with some nice terror-inspiring SWAT gear.” “Neat! How’s the combat?” “Well, it’s all human-to-human so everyone looks kind of the same. It’s mostly balanced, but after a few shootouts using conventional weapons I feel like suicide bombers could use a nerf. They have a suicide attack that hits like a earthquake with all those explosions they always have. It causes so many deaths when used strategically.”

*Ding!*

“Oh hey, my swine is done! Anyway, as I was saying there’s this Agro Terror formation that my opponents were using . . . ” “Don’t you mean aggro?” “Did I say agro again? I’m a bit woozy. Anyhoo, there was just so much shooting that I can’t quite recall everything that happened during that gunfight, but before I knew it I was killed in like two minutes. It was frustrating. I like it overall. The violence is entertaining even if the plot is thin. So how was your day?”

My roommate sighed as he recounted his day. “I was at this restaurant for a meeting. I almost missed it due to the sleet and snow. Such extreme weather although you probably didn’t see it with your head in your monitor ha ha. Anyhoo I think I might have gotten food poisoning. Either that or I got some sort of infection. Or maybe I just have the flu. Hopefully that’s all it is, although it’s probably influenza or small pox somehow with my luck.” I laughed. “Or you’re bringing H1N1 back! Actually, apparently there’s a H5N1 now?” Rolling his eyes he continued on through my interruption. “Regardless, I’m sick, I failed to say anything smart during the meeting and on the way out I broke my watch on the doorframe.”

Needless to say I spent the rest of the evening making wild guesses at what virus he was carrying. I’m betting E.Coli myself.

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Hey, look at those clouds!

 

I am in Love (A journal entry).

I don’t know exactly how long I have been here but I was perfectly content with continuing to stay . . .

It all started on a rainy Saturday afternoon when I met her. And that’s when I realized that I was there. I was in Love. She wasn’t a very good barista, the coffee wasn’t hot enough and neither was the decor in the place. Love is a pretty mediocre cafe overall I’d say.

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Bacon was ruined for me by the internet and that makes me sad.

For the first twentyish years of my life I enjoyed bacon as much as the next person. I ate platefuls of it at buffets, always had some on hand, put it on everything, etc. I even recall writing a number of stories about developing superpowers about eating the stuff on my older blogs I had as a teen.

Over the years though I just lost the taste for it somehow. Granted, a good deal of that had to do with some health scares. Being exposed to the world’s information led me to learn about the importance of managing one’s fat/sodium intake and although I’m not usually too good at looking after that stuff I generally know enough to stay away from super unhealthy foods. Like bacon. Having a heart condition is probably a good reason to care about that sort of thing.

The main thing that did it for me though was just the constant manufactured love for the stuff everywhere on the internet. Everyone just went on and on about how much they loved the stuff and how they couldn’t live without it. At first it didn’t bother me but then I talked to people I know offline who would constantly go on about all this bacon hype knowing that they rarely (if ever) actually ate the stuff. This constant repetition and false hype about a simple food item eventually just made me never want to even look at the stuff ever again. I’m not generally a fan of humor consisting of being obsessed with a simple object or phrase.

Now please excuse me while I go draw some bees.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things except some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I was too busy to draw BEES because I had to put BEE stickers on things but as you can see some of the BEES are actually BEARS.

I can’t beat the heat, no matter what I try.

Seeing as how conventional methods of beating the heat doesn’t work very well for most people, I decided to challenge it directly.

First I tried some simple methods. I began by challenging the heat to a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. Apparently sun beats all three. I tried various board, dice and card games but apparently the heat is just a giant cheaterface who never plays by the rules. Most of the time its strategy is “Do nothing except try to melt your shit and make you pass out”.

My next attempt involved trying to physical heat via acts of violence. I used all kinds of weapons but the heat was everywhere and penetrated everything. I had also learned that explosives only add to the threat instead of eliminating it. Go figure. Out of ideas I then resorted to defiance. I wore my entire wardrobe simultaneously as I took a jog over some flat, empty fields at around one in the afternoon without bringing any supplies and no route planned out.

I just got out of the hospital yesterday and am currently in the planning stages of my next move.

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Some thoughts:

Just once I’d love to see a corporate entity be openly disgusted with failing to meet their goal for a charity drive. Imagine going on a bus and seeing an ad for a fast food company with a picture of some sad children and something along the lines of: “Whelp, we only raised $5,000 for ________ last year. What a waste of time and effort.”

I was walking around downtown one day while wondering how to advance my career as a foot model. My problem is that I wasn’t getting anywhere near enough exposure. So I took my shoes and socks off. Problem solved.

Someday I will die a heroic death to save someone. As she holds me in her arms, I will tell her “If you see my wife, tell her that I love her,” to which she will reply “It’s me, I’m right here.” “How convenient,” I will say as I breathe my last.

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We all know the song “Fly Me To The Moon,” right?

Just so we’re in the clear I love this song just like everyone else in the world (and not just because I was brainwashed to do so by Bayonetta). However, the whole romantic flight to space thing that has been mentioned many times in popular culture has left me more than a little puzzled.

Right off the bat there’s the attire you’ll both be wearing. Either you’ll be remaining within the spacecraft to have a more relaxed variety of clothing options in which case you’re just spending your trip inside (although the view out the window would be nice I guess) or you’ll be outside of the space craft and wearing space suits. I’ve honestly never been in a space suit but I have never seen a picture of a person wearing a spacesuit that has led me to thinking of anything particularly romantic. Aside from that bit of craziness in Final Fantasy VIII of course.

Then there’s space itself. Although the scenery would be extremely beautiful and two people could truly feel alone together, I feel like the latter would be a novelty that would wear off quickly. Realistically two people can only admire themselves with no interruption for so long before boredom would set in. A time that would be much, much shorter than the time it would take to get into space in the first place.

All in all it seems like an excursion would to space may be somewhat romantic if you could make the trip easily, but with that said if it became easy to travel to space then everyone would do it and it would take much of the power and intimacy of such a trip in the first place. Or maybe I’m just jaded.

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A list of things that I can generally fit into:

– A variety of roles depending on the scene I need to act out.

– A variety of rolls depending on how large they’re baked.

– The chicken suit I’ll be wearing at my next job if anyone finds out these are the “notes” I’ve been taking during meetings.

– Something sexier if you’d like.

– The urge to write “Your mom” in all caps is very strong. Apparently I’m still 14 and this sort of thing is funny.

– Large freezers, but let’s not try this one out okay?

– Photos that taken from at least several feet away.

– Footwear in my size.

– Public ball pits, although nobody will let me.

– The confines of society. Well, long enough to excel at a job interview anyway.

I gotta fill up the rest of our fridge door. Hmmm . . .

I gotta fill up the rest of our fridge door. Hmmm . . .

“It’s not my fault!” A list of honest, practical excuses.

– A polar bear ate my seal of quality and my work has been shit ever since.

– My dog didn’t eat my papers, that’s stupid. But my dog did eat my cat and that left me too distraught to finish any of those forms.

– Lag. Even if it’s a real world physical activity blaming lag is always legit.

– I almost had a longer list, but apparently WordPress is about to be shut down by hackers.

"Quick, we need to get a bee up before the site potentially crashes." "But sir, all I have is someone else's movie receipt and a pen." "GOOD, YOU HAVE EXACTLY FOUR SECONDS!"

“Quick, we need to get a bee up before the site potentially crashes.” “But sir, all I have is someone else’s movie receipt and a pen.” “GOOD, YOU HAVE EXACTLY FOUR SECONDS!”

I was going to post about how much I despise potatoes.

However, I was informed that I no longer hate potatoes. And it’s kind of true! I will eat mashed potatoes when they’re soaked in like a million pounds of butter or gravy. I spent my high school/college years hyping up my hatred of potatoes.

I no longer know what to do with my life.

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